The Morning of New years eve

I have yet to go to sleep, but it is technically new years eve. I can think back over the years to the disastrous nights I had, or the nights I am unclear of, or the year I was ill and followed Alec around while he sold pills and I didn't know.
It's so crazy how much I didn't know. How bad his drug problem was. He was using a lot and was so out of control and I saw things were bad, but I didn't see just how bad they were.
That scares me that when it comes to him I won't see things for what they really are.
I know I love him, I know he is sober now and I know he is my best friend. He sees me for who I am and accepts it and loves every part of me.
And I see him, and I understand him and I accept him and love and cherish him.
But something bad did happen and because of it no one can know we are together.
It's hard to keep this secret.
I know my family knows I am talking to a "guy" and I have to hope they don't think it is Alec.

I know what people will say and what they will think and that doesn't bother me.
I have this fear that maybe I let my heart jump in before my mind, that I shouldn't spend so much time talking to him and planning to see him when he is back. Because I have to be my main priority and sadly I am still not at my best.
I am not at my best at all.
I am tired.
I sleep to little or too much.
I don't eat enough.
I still have a sore throat and cough, it wont go away its been over a month.
I don't feel like I am giving my new job 100%. It isn't exactly what I expected and I feel like the kids see right through me. I know I need to give myself a break.
I just want to get back on track. I want to be able to wake up and stick to a schedule.
But I know how I feel when I think of you, my heart is warm and my mind is happy.
I am consumed with loving you, I was so unhealthy about it before and I have this tiny fear, deep down inside me that I won't be able to control it. that I won't be able to put myself first, that I'll yearn for you and when I finally get to see you I will be devastated when you have to go again.
I feel weak and pathetic.
The facts are we had a crazy emotional roller coaster relationship. We will have been apart for 12 weeks when we finally get to see each other again.
You spend your days volunteering at a food bank, working out at the gym, working for your uncle, going to AA meetings. I spend my days going to work and watching tv and reading and talking to you. I have only gone to the gym 3 times in 3 weeks, I wanted to go 4 times a week.
I feel myself distancing myself from my family because I am afraid they will figure out its you I am talking too.
Legally we cannot talk or see each other and if they found out and said something to someone you could be in serious trouble for it and I do not want that.
I have anxiety.
I need to breathe. I need to limit my time on the phone with you at my house because I cant risk them finding out.
I love you and I know I want to be with you. I am just scared that I am not progressing enough right now, I am not getting myself healthy like I should be in this time we have to be apart.
I don't want to be unhealthy anymore. I don't want to repeat my past mistakes.
I know you make me happy and that loving you make me want to be a better person.
I just fear I am not that "better person" yet like you think I am.
I spent a lot of time wallowing in self pity and ignoring how I felt and working. Then just crying all night.
Now I have this residue of emotions left inside of me, still leaking out anxiety and sadness and I can't control it.
I don't want to be sad. I understand logically We are separated by 1500 miles. That we will get to see each other in 5 weeks in between when I work.
I promise myself no matter what I will not screw up this job. This is the step into a career, a lifetime of helping children and doing work that matters. Shaping lives of autistic children.
I need to no matter what eat breakfast in the morning with my protein shake. The protein shake alone is not enough.
I need to pack a lunch everyday because I do not want to buy food everyday and I need to have food on me so I keep energized.
I need to make time to go to the gym 4 times a week. I need it to keep my body healthy and strong, to relieve stress, to do something to better myself mentally, emotionally and physically.
I need to get 8 hours of sleep a night. I need to get on a routine, going to sleep by 12 o'clock, getting adequate rest.

I am Sober. I see that I was extremely codependent with you and that I do not ever want to be that way again. I am getting better and stronger, I need to keep heading in this direction,
I need to be healthy.

A weight has been lifted from my chest. The pit in my stomach is gone. Knowing someone loves you and cares about you changes everything.
I am nervous still because I realize everything is so different and everything will be like this for a while.
But I am okay. I am okay. I feel good. I feel like I can stop worrying about this and obsessing about this because I couldn't stop. I could not stop. And now it's okay. Now I know the answer. Now I know that everything will be okay, that no matter what happens next the ending is happy. The ending was changed. Things are going to be different and are different for the better.
Living a healthy life is the only choice I have. I want to be the best version of myself and I have changed so much already. Distance to make me see and understand the things I didn't want to before. Letting someone go doesn't mean you lose them forever. Holding onto something dysfunctional is not okay. You have to let go and focus on you, once you have you down the rest will fall into place.

My heart is filled with love. I have someone who loves me equally back, Equal love and acceptance and understanding. The timing isn't right, and it will not be for a very very long time, but it's worth the wait no matter what happens. No matter what.
Everything is going to be okay,
You do not have to talk to someone 24/7 and see them in all your free time and know everything they are doing all the time. It isn't sane, normal or healthy. You have to just live your life and let the pieces fall where they may.
I know I am going to be okay. I know you are going to be okay.
My heart changed when I met you, it changed it a way that I have no control over.
No matter what happens it loves you so deeply and so passionately.
I cannot let another into my heart the way you have entered mine, There just is not enough room for someone else in that way. I don't see others that way. I don't know how too.
Could I try and force myself? Yes I probably could, but it wouldn't be natural or real and I would just end up hating myself and for the first time I do not hate myself and I want to keep heading in this direction of self love.

I'm listening to Boyce Aveunes cover of Roar with Bea Miller.
I always think of you.
I am so proud of you
I love you.
and I love me too.

Feeling better

It's been 6 weeks. I have been single for 6 weeks. I haven't heard from you, seen you and it's so strange. My life keeps moving forward. I have been training at my new job for three days and I am really eager to get started on my own. I know it is going to be really good for me, it already is.
I feel like I am going to be okay.
The longer I am away from you the more I am seeing things needed to change and I don't see how else they could of.

I still miss you. I still wish and hope that I will get a chance to talk to you.
The more time that passes the less hope I have that it will happen.
I don't know if you will talk to me.
And I accept that I do not have control over anything except myself.

All I can do is write what I think and feel and find a way to get it to you. Whether you read it or respond is entirely up to you. I know that. It is hard but you deserve the right to your own opinions and feelings and if you wish to never speak to me again I will respect that.

Alec,

I don't know if you are going to read this letter or not, I am hoping you will though. I have a few things I need to say and what you decide to do after you read this is up to you.

I want you to know I am sorry things ended so badly. I never wanted this and I wish it could be different. I have spent the past two years of my life with you and I am so grateful I had that. You changed my life. Who I was two years ago and who I am now is very different and your love helped change so much of that.  Because of your belief in my intelligence I stopped thinking I was stupid, started to have some confidence in the knowledge I have and what I am capable of. You never let me think I was stupid, you constantly praised me and made me see my potential and what I could be if I really applied myself. Because of your love I look at myself differently. I see a beautiful girl when I look into the mirror because of you. I was an insecure and self conscious person before I met you, but everyday you sent love my way. You made me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world. You made me feel like no one compared to me, The way you looked at me melted my heart. I felt the most comfortable with you laying in bed with no make up on and naked, when you could see all my flaws, and you just loved me more. You gave me confidence to be a better person, you challenged me in ways no one else ever has. You didn't accept me half assing life, you made me see what can happen when you put 100% into what you do, you made me see how much peace and joy honesty can bring to your life.
You made me see how sobriety could save my life. You stood by me when no one else did.

I don't know what is going to happen, but I don't want that night to be how our story ends. 

I would like you to still be apart of my life, I would like to figure out a way to make that work.

I have not spoken to you in 3 months, I have not heard from you and I do not know what you are thinking/feeling/ how you are doing. 

I think about you everyday, I send you my love. I miss you everyday. I miss my best friend, I miss my confidant, I miss my lover, I miss you so much.
I hope that when you think of us you can see that even though we had problems there was so much good. There was love, laughter, passion, beautiful memories that we got to experience together.

You are truly the most beautiful person I have ever known.  I see you, I see how driven and brilliant you are and I know what you are capable of, I believe in you 100% and I hope you finally believe in yourself because you are too amazing not too. 
You came into my life and awoke something inside of me I didn't know existed. You lit a fire inside me filling me with passion to change my life and be a better person.
You opened my eyes to the world. I need you to know that. I need you to know you are good, you are one of the smartest, most creative and loving people ever. Simple things like listening to you speak, working on cars with you, learning from you or just experiencing the world with you are memories I will hold in my heart and cherish forever..I need you to know that you are so strong, that isn't my opinion it is a fact..You have faced so many unfair and horrifying obstacles in your life and you always find a way to come out on top and survive. I don't want you to just survive anymore, I want you to live the best life possible.

I don't know if that life can involve me, I would like to think it can. I don't know if it is possible but I would like to try. I believe that if two people really want something they can make it happen. That if people take the time to better themselves that they can change, that something dysfunctional can be turned around and made into something safe, strong and beautiful.But both have to want it.

 I have no idea what you are thinking and what you feel, although I am hoping for a chance to be in each others lives again, I understand you may not feel the same way.

If I cannot be apart of your life, if you do not wish to talk to me anymore I would like to ask you please to meet with me one last time.
I would like a chance to end things on a better note, to have closure, to give you back the things you left at my house. A chance to really say goodbye if this has to be the end. End our two year relationship with kindness and love, and let each other go so we can move on.
All I can do is ask for that chance, but if you do not want that I will respect whatever you decide.

My phone number, email and Facebook have not changed.
You know how I feel and what I would like, what happens next is entirely up to you.

I love you, always and forever,
your boo.

Who Am I?

Before you I was insecure. I never opened up about anything. I lived my whole life screaming on the inside and never uttered a single word. I would go to a therapist and not tell them what was wrong and leave angry that they didn't fix me. I would drink until I forgot my name, forgot what was happening, who I was. I would drink to forget myself and my pain. I pretended I didn't care when everything hurt. I used sex as a way of control. I could get anyone I wanted to have sex with me and it would mean nothing to me and then I would win. That is what I convinced myself. When really it made everything hurt worse. There were many times I wanted to die, wished for a horrible family so I could kill myself. Wished I didn't have anyone who cared about me so I could just leave this earth once and for all. And because I had people who loved me and cared I hated them for it. I was so mean, so horrible to them. I couldn't leave because they loved me. I was stuck in pain because of them.
My view of myself, of my life, of the world was so disturbed and warped. I hated reality so I retreated into my head. I could create any life I wanted for myself in my head. I could be happy, I could be successful, I could be strong and be in love or speak up for myself. Then I could just convince myself it was real or spend so much time fantasizing that reality no longer made me feel bad.
I could disassociate from reality and looking back now its very scary.
I think because I was so easily able to do that, when I drank and blacked out, my brain switched into the fantasy world and now I was able to live the fantasies. I could be the brave outspoken girl. I could do whatever the fuck I wanted.
I see it so clearly now. I see myself, I see how I used to act, how I used to escape and cope and I see how much I have changed.
Don't get me wrong, All of this break up and court drama has caused so much pain that I have found myself fantasizing about what will happen when I see him again, what I will say, what he will say back, Only now I see it. I hear myself and I say NO. This isnt real. This isn't healthy. You cannot control what will happen in 2 months, thinking about it, fantasizing, will do NOTHING BUT DRIVE YOU CRAZY.
I have to just keep breathing.. Keep living. Keep working hard.. Keep trying.. Putting in 100% effort into my life, my self. Self improvement, doing what I want and need, Doing what is best for me.
I know I have to and I feel like for how everything went down I am doing a good job. Yes there are things I need to improve on, but now that I have focused on work, getting a new job, am finally starting it, got a gym membership, got a new bed, got all of your stuff out of my room, have a timeline of when I will have to go to court. Now that I have all of these things done I feel like I can really start living. I needed a month to recover, regroup, open up a bit, line things up and now that I have I am ready.
I feel stronger and more confident.

After you..
Two years we were together, and the person I was in the beginning was that horrible scared insecure girl who hid behind lies and buried everything away.
But now... Now I embrace the truth. I am PROUD of myself. I am sober, I am thriving, I am moving forward, making good choices. I am working hard. I am doing right by me. I am doing what I need to do for me.
You can't fix everything at once. you can't fix things so easily. I always looked for the easy way, the quick fix and now I don't. I embrace the challenges.
I thought I had everything all planned, but I had no idea what I was doing.
I spent so much time trying to fix you, protect you, take responsibility for your actions. I lost myself.
But I am here. I am here now for the first time in my life. I feel confident in ability to be successful, in my intelligence, in my beauty.
Your love taught me to accept and love myself. Being with you changed me so much. But also losing you changed me so much. Losing the support, the best friend, the lover, the life partner was horrible. But here I am. I am stronger. I am thriving. I am opening up and being honest to people I never was before. I got a new career, I have worked my ass off and have been smart with money trying to pay my credit cards, loans.
I am taking care of me, I know that I am not that same girl who drank her problems away and needed attention from guys to feel good about herself
two guys last week asked for my phone number. I did not like it. It bothered me. One was being very aggressive about it. I was just your server being polite, treating you like every other customer- with respect. I do not appreciate being hit on. I used too. it used to validate my beauty, my being when guys wanted and acknowledged me.
Now I know I am smart and strong and beautiful and that I don't need a guys attention to tell me that. It wasn't your attention that made me see this in me, it was your respect, kindness, love, compassion for me. Your ability to fight for me and want the best for me.
Being in love, being in a relationship with you for 2 years and now being alone, I know I am a good person, a strong person, a kind person, a beautiful person, an intelligent person.

I know I am going to be okay,
I do not know what is going to happen, but I know I'll end up being okay no matter what does.

Grief

I found out today you are in an inpatient treatment center in Montana. I am really happy you are really getting help. I am scared the reason you chose to get treatment so far away is because you want to be far away from me, because you want nothing to do with me ever again. The  idea that this is how it ends, that we have to be done is killing me. And the thought that when I go to court on February 6th and that you want nothing to do with me will shatter me. If we can never be together again I just pray we can have a conversation of closure. That we love each other but we cannot be with each other because we are not good for each other. That we love each other too much to hurt each other. I pray and pray and hope this is outcome. Because I do not know how to handle you hating me forever..

Reading about break ups I am reading about embracing feelings.
-I am devastated that I lost my best friend. Alec was my confidant, my person. Every night I came home into his arms. It's been one month without his embrace, without my best friend. I miss going out to dinner, Watching Netflix. Learning about cars. Working on cars. I miss being able to talk and cry and laugh with him.
- I miss the sex. Sex was something meaningless and basically horrible for me. Meeting Alec changed everything for me. For the first time in my life I had a connection. For the first time in my life I felt love physically. I felt beautiful and amazing. I felt like a queen. Alec made me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world and that I was was the only one who would ever be beautiful to him. And honestly no one compares to him. I don't think I will ever be able to connect with another person on that level. As corny as it is he would make me feel so good I would become overwhelmed and just cry and on and continuously say I am sorry and he would laugh and tell me not to be sorry.
- I don't want to move on. I know everyone is telling me I have too. I know that things were so dysfunctional and it ended in violence and we had had violence in the past, But I do not want this to be the end. I don't know how to believe this is the end.
- I am crushed that San Francisco for us is dead. We had a plan. To sell your car, get rid of mine and move to San Francisco. That dream is dead for us.
- I am happy I got this job, a new bed, a new gym membership. I am opening up to people and making plans. I am going through the motions to heal and get better, but my heart is so madly in love with you still. My heart hurts for you and misses you everyday. I don't know how to stop my heart from hurting so much. I don't know how to stop missing you.

I am so scared of a life without you. I know its been a month without you and I am doing abnormally well, but this is not the life I wanted or planned. I know we do not always get what we want and that I need time and patience and a new routine. I need to keep moving forward and I need to stop thinking about wanting you back and still loving you and missing you and I have to focus on me and my health and my job and being alone and moving forward. I have to focus on moving forward because people do not get back together after this. People do not remain friends. People do not stay together.

I want to be that one in a million so bad, I want to make it out the other side stronger and healthier and happier and able to be with you and move forward.
I know you know about the deal. I know you know I did not continue an order of protection against you. That I chose to have contact still ( no offense contact). That I do not want this to be the end.

Maybe I am pathetic and naive and since you are my first love I am holding on.
But I am not your first love. You loved many times before me and it kills me thinking you;ll get over me and move on.

I want to be able to move forward with you if that is possible. I don't know if it is.

Its only been one month. Its only been 4 weeks and 29 days.

I need to be strong. I need to accept I can only control myself and what I do. I go to work.
I need to start eating better, more and healthier. I need to get myself in a good and strong place. You have 2 months to continue working, growing, changing, accepting. You have all the tools you need. You have Terri, your family, a few friends, a new gym membership, a new rewarding career.
YOU CAN DO THIS ERIN.

You had Alec for 2 years and they changed your life forever.
If this is the end you have to accept it.

Its been 1 month

I didn't go to court on Friday with my dad to extend the order of protection. I just looked at the court circuit and I see that you were there on Friday, are now living in Montana and that you got a continuance set for 2 months from now. I just completely panicked and woke my dad up.
I devastated that I didn't go because I am devastated that I didn't see you. I miss you so fucking much. I miss you so much today and I have no idea if you miss me. That's what hurts the most. I don't know if you miss me. I don't know if you hate me. I don't know what you are thinking or feeling.
I am assuming that this place in Montana is a rehab/half way house/ some sort of a place where you are getting help. I know I do not need to be at the court date but I want to be. I cannot bear the thought of never seeing you again and if you do decide to take the plea deal that is the last time you'll be in court and that is my last chance to ever see you again. I hope you took me and my father not showing up to court as a sign that I still love you and that I don't want to make anything worse and that I just want you to be okay. I still have all of your stuff. I want you to have it back.
I miss you so fucking much. I hate not hearing from you. It actually killed me thinking you moved across the country. That I am still here in this home and you now live in Montana. But the court would have only approved that if you were getting help. And you need help.

I know I can't be a part of your life right now. I know I cannot talk to you or see you. I have to focus on me and my health and my well being. I have to be strong. I have to be strong. I just got this amazing new job and my life is heading off in a good direction. I need to focus on me. I will go to court on February 6th. I want to know first hand if you accept the deal, I want to physically see if you are better. I was so scared to go to court before because if I saw you I didn't know how you would act.
But by February 6th it will have been 3 months. A lot can change in 90 days. I hope that if you see me there you will know that I love you, that I don't want you in jail. That I want to be able to talk to you.
I don't know I am a mess.

I will be okay. No matter what happens, no matter what you decide, no matter how you feel about me I will be okay. I will continue getting stronger and finding myself and bettering myself.
I do hope someday that the best version of myself and the best of yours can be together.
It's only been 1 month. I still love you so much and want you so much. and I feel like everyone in the world is finding love and living happily after and I wanted that and still want that so badly with you. I don't know how to love anyone else. I don't know how to stop loving and wanting you. Everything I read just says time time time time time.
I guess just one day at a time, I guess just taking things slowly and working hard and becoming the best version of myself is all I can and want to do.

I love you boo, I always will.

Night time is the worst

This bed, this room makes me think of you. Most of the time when I think of you it is fondly, all good memories, my heart is still filled with love for you. Then night time rolls around. I am alone in this room, in this bed and I start to think. I start to miss cuddling, miss the mind blowing sexual connection we had. I miss saying "I don't know what I would do without you" and you always responding "you never have too". I miss watching you sleep, holding and kissing you.
I miss being naked around you every time we were alone. That I felt most comfortable with you when I was naked and had no make up on. That I would wash your hair in the shower. The back massages you would give me that relaxed me so much I could easily fall asleep.

I know it will take a long time to stop missing you. You were my first love and I honestly believed I would spend my life with you.

2 years I spent with you. You still have my heart. I bought a new mattress today and the guy put his phone number on my receipt. I didn't even realize he was flirting with me. It was flattering I guess but the only reason I didn't throw it out was because I need that receipt.

I don't want to go out on dates. I don't want to meet somebody else. I do not ever want to go on a dating site.

I know right now I have to be alone. I have to be just me, On my own. I can't fathom the idea of liking someone let alone loving someone other than you.

I don't feel like I have anyone that can relate to this situation.

I feel like you are the only person who understands how this feels. How I feel.
I hate the idea of never hearing your voice again, never seeing your face.
Yet I am so scared to see it. Because I know I won't be able to stay away.

I bought myself a new amazingly comfortable queen size mattress today.
I start training for my new job December 15th,
My sister and I are looking at gyms on Monday.

Things are still getting better.
I am happy. I am enjoying my life. I am still sad but I am happy.

Exhaustion

I don't sleep nearly as much as I used too. I also do not eat nearly as much as I used too or enough to be healthy. I am not hungry or I just plan everything with food so poorly that I waste my money eating out and I things I don't even really want and throw them away. I work everyday. Some days I work two jobs. I am definitely working hard but I have worked myself into exhaustion. When I am off of work I am wired. I have always been that way but now I really need to get on a schedule and stick with it. I am not healthy and I really need to be.

My life has changed so drastically and I feel like in some aspects I am taking care of myself and doing what's best for me, something I haven't done in years. 

I was always worrying, thinking, trying to fix, him. I let him consume me and I know that is never what he wanted. I didn't know how to have a healthy relationship, I am not sure I still do.

Right now I know I have to make myself a 100% priority. I am at about 75%. I need to get adequate rest, eat more and eat healthy, exercise and really focus on working hard and self discipline, self respect and self love. 

I want to be the best version of myself. I want to be successful, healthy and happy. Even though my relationship ended and in such a catastrophic way, I feel happy. I feel like I finally see all the amazing people I have had around me all this time and that I am thinking completely for myself. I used to think about us, him; I spent all my free time with him and I loved every minute of it, but you cannot live your entire life that way. It wasn't healthy or sane and I didn't care for such a long time because I loved him, but loving someone cannot take over your entire life. 

I am going to focus on self care, friendships, trying new things, working hard, being honest, never forgetting what I have been through. Learning so I do not make the same mistakes over and over again.

In a way it feels like I am free. You never let me forget my mistakes and fuck ups and horrible things I did, you never believed I could change. You made me believe I was only good enough to be with someone who let me know everyday how badly I hurt them and destroyed them and how I was a bitch and mean. I am not innocent. I did horrible things. I can be a huge fucking bitch, I have been really mean to you before and I am not proud of it. But it always felt like you were trying to teach me a lesson, projecting all your hurt and pain back at me. It was a constant battle. I could never make up for anything I had done, you could never let it go, I hurt you again and everything resurfaced and the pain was more intense and the fights were worse. 

 3 weeks ago I was in my bed devastated that you were in jail, that I had to call the cops and get you in trouble. Now I am grateful you didn't seriously injure me and that I have done everything I can to get you help but also get myself out of that situation. 

It isn't okay to live like that. I don't know if that is how I made you feel, if I did that is horrible and I hate that you stayed and let yourself feel that way. 

The biggest problem is I wanted to spend my life with you, I wanted a lifetime with you and I put the blinders on for everything because of that. People are not supposed to fight everyday. People have to have trust. People cannot worry that their spouse is doing drugs or on dating sites, playing mind games. And I always let that you are bipolar and had a horrible life be the defense to all your behavior. You didn't trust me, you would wait outside of my work and follow me to my house to time how long I really was there because I was a liar and it drove you to insanity. But I always let myself think it was my fault. You had a choice. You had choices. You didn't have to be with me. You didn't have to make empty threats and just end up staying. Yes you tried breaking up with me but I always begged and fought or made it seem like I would understand if you could never see me again but I didn't. I always thought he will come back, we will get back together. It wasn't fair to you I know you were trying to get it together, but things were so messed up in your life and you were "dependent" on me. You were living in my parents house, using my credit cards and money. Which made you feel bad about yourself and made me feel bad because I just wanted to help but I couldn't help in a way that satisfied me or you. 

 I heard so many stories from you that I will never know the truth on. Yes I lied, I was a liar. It was how I had always been to protect myself and it got worse and worse and I wasn't strong enough to be honest and do it all on my own. 

The truth is you saved me.You really did. Being with you I learned so many life lessons, I grew up. I learned the value of honesty and trust. I learned that I have to love myself, battle and concur my demons before I will ever be able to love myself or another human being in the way I want. 

Acceptance. I understand that dwelling, whining, self pity, crying really get you no where. That you have to be honest and understand fully what you have done/ what has happened to grasp your feelings. And you have to let yourself really feel it all. And you can't forget what you felt. But then you have to say how can I make sure this never happens again, you have to really think and believe and decide. You have to really learn from your mistakes/downfalls/losses/fuck ups. You have to be willing to say I really messed up, this is what I did, this is what I feel, This is how I made others feel, this is how it affected my life and others, I never want this to happen again and I need to remember it all so I never do. I need to grow and blossom. All the things I have always said I would do I need to do. 

I know this new job is going to be amazing for me. It will open so many doors for my future and I know I will be great at it. I know it will be challenging and extremely rewarding. I believe in myself. I know I can do it. 

I want to work on talking out loud more. Articulating my thoughts with my voice and not on paper. I have always been the type of person to write until my brain was empty. But that isn't how you have friendships. 

You have to be willing to open up about yourself if you want close friendships.

I was so scared for so long that my family, my friends, my coworkers wouldn't like my boyfriend. I lost friends over our relationship, over choosing him. But also deep down I was scared that they would never understand because how the hell could I tell people the truth and justify it all. 

I didn't want to look bad, however I see now that this was something I had to experience. I had to have this roller coaster relationship. This insane passion and connection with someone. I will miss that the most. The way I could be myself with him. But again, I don't think I was ever fully "myself" because even for how close we were I kept so much in. 

Time heals a lot. The more time that goes by from when I kicked him in the head, from the night I cheated on him, from hiding talking to John I see that what I did was wrong but I feel I have learned from these incidents, I feel like I understand what I did and why I did them and that I don't like that I did them and who I was letting myself become. People don't change overnight, but I was changing yet you constantly questioned me. You questioned if I really was changing, Always wanting evidence and proof. 

I don't think the phrase "once a cheater always a cheater" is true. I think the problem is "once you cheat you will never be fully trusted in that relationship and it will never work" But I think you can go on and never cheat again. I used to cheat on tests, homework, procrastinate. Now I want to be this hard working and motivated force. I feel like it has always been there I just let it come and go. I never held on to or believed in my strength.

The truth is our relationship changed when I was blacked out drunk in that hotel that night, when I cheated on you. Because it took so long for me to really find out what happened. And I was in such denial. I didn't want to hurt you and be the bad guy. But I was. I should have let you go. 

I hate how hurt you are. I get a ball of anxiety so tight in my chest when I think about how much I have hurt you.

Now I see that you were so hurt from so many things before that. That all my mistakes and wrongdoings were so much more painful for you because it wasn't the first time. You had been hurt way too many times and my naive inexperienced self made you promises in the beginning to never hurt you. So not only did I cheat and lie, I broke the promises I made and it one too many broken promises over your lifetime.

I can't go to court on Friday because I cannot risk seeing you. Because I still love you so much and part of me is so scared that you will look at me with pure disgust and hate, and the other part of me is scared you'll look at me and still love me. 

At this point losing you forever is awful, but it isn't as scary as it was 3 weeks ago.

I don't know what is going to happen but this is the chapter of my life where I focus on myself. Where I grow and learn and blossom. This is the time for me to become the best version of me. 

I don't know what is going to happen with you and me. I don't know if I will have to go to court, if I will ever see you again, if I will get closure, If we will be friends, if we will still love each other and want a second shot. It would have to be completely different, everything would be different. I can't let myself think there is a chance that could happen. I cannot waste time imaging and fantasizing about what could be. I have to live in the now and in the now we are toxic for one another and cannot be together and I am focusing on me. 

I will always love you and I do miss you everyday. 

I hope you are really getting help, I hope you can have a healthy, happy and successful future. I still wish I could be apart of it but I also know the chances of that are near to impossible and can only focus on everything one day at a time. 

Trouble sleeping

I have to be at work at 8 am. I am having trouble sleeping. I cried a lot tonight thinking about you. This is our 2 year anniversary, or it would have been. I feel like I was so broken when you met me and instead of fixing myself I took you down with me; only you were so broken from Jess and your family that I took you over the edge. I took you to the point of explosion. I tried and tried to fix you, fix the damage, make it better, but I never could. I hate that I don't have you anymore, I hate that it's been 3 weeks and this incredible milestone is ruined. I hate that this is how it ends, I hate that this is how our story ends. I hate how much I hurt you in our story and I hate how much you hurt me back. My life is getting better. I am getting on track. It's hard and scary but exciting. I do feel alone in an independent way, a freedom I didn't have in our relationship. There were so many pro's to us and still many con's. I wish we could be on the same page but I know we are not right now. I know I am never supposed to be with you again, never see you again, "maybe you guys can be friends in like 10 years", but I don't know how to do that. How do I go from having you in my life everyday for 2 years to completely gone forever? I don't want that. I do not want you gone forever. Part of me told people so that if I wanted to be with you again they'd stop me. No one would ever respect me. But I don't know if I can respect myself without seeing you again, apologizing, getting closure. Maybe being friends I don't know how this works. There is a strong chance you will choose to never see me or hear from me again or that your dad will make you a deal and help you as long as you never see me or talk to me again.
The uncertainty eats at me. I hate not knowing what is happening. I don't want to get the extended order of protection from you. I don't want it but I also don't want you to hurt my dad. I don't know where you are, what you're feeling and how to process all of this and how to move forward. I know what everyone is telling me but I don't know if I can stomach getting an order of protection. I don't think I am strong enough to do it.
I don't know what I want. I want to stop worrying and thinking so much. I want you to except the plea deal. I want you to be happy.

I hate feeling that this is the end. This is the worst ending I could have imagined. I really loved you so much. I still do and I really miss you

Tomorrow would have been our two year anniversary

Three weeks ago I would have been planning a day with you. I would have wanted to do whatever I could to show you that two years with you were the best thing that ever happened too me. It's amazing what can happen in 3 weeks, it feels like a lifetime. 

In the past 3 weeks without you I have recovered from my wisdom teeth surgery, I have gotten a terrible cold, the flu, a sinus infection and a terrible reaction to my medication.

I opened up to a few girls about what happened and finally feel like I have friends.

I started a new job in a preschool during the day while working nights at the restaurant.

I got an interview for my dream job, landed it, got hired and start training for my new job in a week and a half.

Had an amazing Thanksgiving with my parents, sisters and my amazing grandparents. 

Have slept every night without, Finally stopped having nightmares about you.

At first I worried about you, wanted to talk to you; emailed you, facebook messaged you, tried to message you on a dating site, made a profile on a dating site and someone recognized me and asked me if it was me or if someone stole my picture. Now I realize that I cannot talk to you. That I have to let you get help or not get help and deal with what the law will bring to you. I have to accept that you may hate me and blame me for the rest of your life. That I may never get closure with you.

At first I wanted you back so badly. Now all I want is for you to accept the plea deal. I don't know what is going to happen and I have stopped trying to predict and control it. I have to accept that I may never see or hear from you again.

I don't know if you'll ever see this but I just want you to be happy and healthy and get to do what you love in life; work on cars and move back to California. 

I still miss you terribly and love you and you will always be my first love.

I can't imagine myself with anyone else. It's so hard to think of myself as "single" but I guess I am single... All I am doing is focusing on work, my new career, my future career plans and goals. 

I hope you can do the same.

I love you Boo

Seeing things a little more clearly

It has been 2 weeks since the fight, since the police and since I have last talked too you. Two long weeks, two weeks where so much has changed. I went from being obsessed with you, dependent on you, always with you to alone. I have talked about what happened, opened up to people, worked a new job, gotten an opportunity to interview for my dream job. I see now that things were so dysfunctional for so long. That you should have left me when I hurt you. You should have called the police because what I did to you wasn't fair. That I have come a long way from the girl who kicked you over and over in the head, That I abused you and hurt you, cheated on you and lied to you. That I have changed and grown up and that I am getting better but I justified everything you did because I hurt you so badly. I took responsibility and defended you and wanted to fix you. I couldn't do it. You needed to get help and fix you.  I am so sorry for all of the pain that I caused you. I see now that you should have walked away because I just begged and begged and begged for more chances, but you were forever changed inside. I hurt you so deep that you could never forgive me. Maybe you did not realize it or did not want to believe it. You have needed help for a very long time and I hope now you are getting it and accepting the help.  You deserve to live, you deserve someone who doesn't black out and hurt you. I damaged you when you were so damaged already. I have never loved someone before and I see now what I did to you was so wrong. I see how weak you were to not stand up for your self. I hate that. I hate that you didn't have the strength or self love to walk away and never look back. Our relationship was chaos and dysfunction and there was good but so much fighting and hurt and pain.. I love you so much and I hate you for what you did. I hate that you hurt me, that you left me with no choice but to call the police and walk away. I loved you so much and I wanted to marry you, I wanted you to get it together. I wanted you so badly I was blinded..You needed help and you kept doing things that were red flags and I ignored it and just loved you and let this happen. But I hate that you left me with no choice. I had to walk away, get an order of protection against you. I miss you so much and I hate that I can't be with you. Shauna told me you realize you can never be with him again because the next time he could kill you. But I hurt him and I still believe people can change. I believe he is good and can get help and change. I think we are toxic for each other and that I destroyed him and he was so damaged and hurt and he lost it and destroyed me.
Well I am not destroyed. I am a little bit broken but I know I will be alright. Two weeks and I already feel less desperate. I feel like I have the strength to stay away. I don't know if that will be forever but right now I finally have the strength to stop trying to contact him and focus on me.

I am going to be okay.
I am going to get this dream job.
I am going to change lives.
I am going to change my life.
I am going to be okay.
I will make it.
I will be okay and no matter what happens with him I will know it isn't on me.
You have to take responsibility for your actions.
I wish I had taken responsibility for mine.
I wish you would have called the police and gotten away from me.
Because now everything is a mess and your life is all chaos.
But it has been for so long.
But all of this happened so long ago.
You were never the same after that.
I destroyed you.
I am so sorry.
I am trying not to feel responsible because you should have walked away
but I begged and begged you to stay and you didnt press charges.
I hate myself for that.
I am so sorry.
I will always love you.
You changed me for the better
I never want to hurt another person again.
I am so sorry for everything.
I wish it didn't end like this.
I wish you weren't alone.
I wish you would accept help.
I have no control over you.
all I can control is myself
I have to be strong. I have to stop blaming myself. I have to learn from this and change and grow.
I have to make sure I never hurt someone like this again
I also have to make sure I never let someone hurt me like this again.

I miss you so much right now

I got all the court documents. I don't know how you are feeling/ where you are. I don't know if you know what's going on. I hate that I can't talk to you. I want to call you so badly. I want to hear your voice. I want to know how you are. Everyone is telling me this will all be over soon snd I'll be able to move on, but I wont, because you are the only person I love. I know who you really are and its not the person I saw last Monday night. It's been 10 days since I have seen you, heard from you. That is longest we have ever gone in 2 years.
I don't know how to get it together. I can't sleep without you. I can't fucking sleep. I look for you every night. I hate it so much. I wish all of this never happened. I just want to hold you and tell you I love you and forget the rest of the world for a minute. That's what is killing me. I can't get you out of my head the last time I saw you. But I dream about you every night. I think about you all the time. I worked both jobs today and it was such a long day and on the way home pulling into my neighborhood I burst into tears realizing the only person I want to talk to about my day isn't here. I just wish I could talk to you.

I can't sleep

Not the way I used too. Last night was the longest I slept through the night, 1 am to 5:30. I woke up having a dream about us. We were in a motel killing ourselves together. We were giving each other different pills. The room was a mess and I kept thinking I should be scared, I should want my stomach pumped. I don't know if I called 911 but I started thinking I have to trick him and get his stomach pumped and I kept hoping there was a way I could be unconscious while mine was being pumped. Then I woke up at 5:30. I've been trying to fall back asleep for 2 hours but I can't. I work both jobs today, I'm scared I'm going to be a mess.
I miss you so much. I miss talking you and cuddling with you. I hate this bed, I hate this room and I hate Night time without you. I wonder where you are, what you're doing, how you are feeling, how you feel about me. Legally I keep making your life worse. I don't want to make it worse. I just want too see you and hear your voice. I want you to know how often I think of you and how much I love you.
I don't know how too function right now. My body can't get it together. I'm exhausted and can never sleep more than a few hours. I take my klonopin and I have even added melatonin but nothing works. I don't feel safe, I feel so alone. I miss my other half so much. I miss you so much. It's not getting easier. I have so much anxiety about the court dates, seeing you, all the uncertainty. I fucking hate this. I hate this so much

I wonder how you are today

I drove in your neighborhood. It was instinctive. I just started driving and I was down the street 10 houses away from you. I saw the TT and the cougar in the driveway. I don't know if you were there. If you were I guess you were probably there sleeping, or maybe you were in a treatment center.
It's been exactly a week.
I'm struggling today.
I got a flu shot, finished work for all the credit cards, medical paperwork for my new job. I couldn't sleep last night. I was up until 5 am. I kept seeing you every time I closed my eyes. I kept reaching over and grabbing for you. I know in my gut you tried to call me from jail the first day you were there. I missed them. I don't know what you wanted to say. I have an order of protection until December 5th and I don't want it to continue. I want to see you so badly. I want to talk to you, I want to know how you are. I miss you so much. I wonder if anyone is reading this. People probably think what is wrong with you, he hurt you. He wasn't stable. He isn't always like that. I used to drink until I blacked out. Beat him, Verbally abuse him, cheater on him. His life has been insane. Every bad thing that could ever happen to a person happened to him, time and time again. He needs help, love, stability. I want to be the one still that helps him. I know I can't. I won.t try but I'll never stop thinking about it

I can't imagine a life without you. I don't want to imagine a life without you. I picture myself as tour wife, us having babies, supporting each others careers. I know I am not delusional, I know it can be a reality, I just wonder if you feel the same way.
December 5th. December 9th. I wonder if I get to see you. I wonder if I get to talk to you. I hope your dad isn't in crazy lawyer mode and keeps us so far apart that I don't get a chance to say I'm sorry and I love you.

Dear alec, I want you to know

That because of you I will never hurt someone again. That I am spilling our the truth and being honest like I was always meant to be. That every time I think of love I think of you. That you were my first love, the one that got away, the one I had to lose to learn. I am truly sorry that you had to be my lesson, it was never fair to you. I was never meant to be in a relationship I was too messed up and I took it all out on you. I hate how I hurt you but I am using that hate to fuel this desire to be better. I want to be the person you deserved. I will be honest and caring and hard working. I will set goals and stop making excuses and achieve them. You will be my incentive for wverything. I want you to know your love changed me forever. That no one will due. That you made me feel like I was a princess and beautiful, you made me see I was creative and really smart. You pushed me and never let me get away with bullshit. You changed me in the best ways. You have made me and better person and I need you to know I will love you forever for that. you were the only one who stood up for me and helped me stop drinking. You saved my life. It's so hard to believe how badly things ended when I think of all the good you did for me. I know I was good for you, but not all the time, and that I did too many bad things to ever make you see that I was good. You told me right from the start what you couldn't accept or handle and I did all of them. Two deserved better and I am so sorry for all the hurt, pain and sadness I caused you. I hope you are getting help. Because when you are stable you are a fucking rock star and I can't imagine a world without you could ever be a good place. Even if I never get the chance to talk to you I will write to you and hopefully someday track you down and send them to you. If I never get to be a part of your life again I hope I get a proper goodbye.
Love you always and forever
Your boo

Sunday, changes are coming

Today was the first day I smiled. Two girls I work with invited me over to paint with them. vick got a town home with her boyfriend and in the second bedroom they wanted a mural/friends to paint on the wall. I talked to jamie, vick and Jess  (vick best friend) they really helped me see how unhealthy mine and Alec's relationship became. They listened, gave advice, made me finally feel like I wasn't alone. I do miss him so much. I listened to the first voice mail he left me from new years 2013 he was so different. He was happy, excited. That's who I fell in love with. I wish he was still that guy. I hope and pray I can get that guy back someday. I hope I get a chance to talk to him, get real closure. I miss him being close to me, I miss the sex, I miss the way he made me laugh and feel do beautiful.
The pictures, one is of the mural and one is of my part of the mural. It helped me so much today. Girls day, art, painting. I finally have a little glimpse of feeling good. It was nice. I feel like I am going to be okay. 

I hope someday I get a chance to talk to him. I hope I get that chance.

I miss him so much

I miss him so much it hurts. It hits me in waves, the worst in the evening. Night time was our time together. We watched netflux, talked about our days, planned the future. I can't stand to be in this room. I am all alone. I had plans and dreams of a life with him and now it's all gone. I hate this room, this bed without him. This was our space and now it's gone. I wish I could make this right. Well actually I don't know if I could, I just hate that I had a life time of plans and dreams and Now they are gone. Why did it have to end so badly? I still have paperwork to fill out snd write my side of the story. I don't want this to be happening. I have no control. It'd supposed to be in my control but it isnt. There is an investigation and a judge will decide everything. I just miss my boo. I miss his smile and us popping pimples. Getting fast food late at night. Showering together. Promising to be with each other for ever. I'd say I don't know what I would do without you and he would say you never have too. We would say we couldn't wait to marry each other, that I never wanted to be naked for anyone but him. That I was the girl of his fantasies and that no one could make him feel the way I do. I don't know how to live a happy life without him. I keep watching criminal minds because it's the only show I have been watching without him. I can't watch sons of anarchy or the killing because it was what we watched together.

I just wish I had my partner back.
Everything is so hard and I just wish I could hug him and cry in his arms.

I hate my life without him.
I am trying. I am going to move forward.
I just hope this isn't the end. I hope that
After the court business is over I hope I get a chance to talk to him. I just don't want our last conversation to be him standing over my bed telling me I ruined everything, that I am the worst thing that has ever happened to him and that he hates me. His sister in law read my messages and never responded. I know my connection with his family is over. I just hope something can be changed. I just don't want 2 years to end like this...

Getting over him day 4

I am using this blog as a way to get over a very very bad break up.. we have been together on and off for 2 years. Things were a mess from the beginning. I was drinking every weekend and blacking out. I cheated on hin. Verbally abused him. Physically assaulted him and never knew what had happened. I would get drunk and black out and forget I had a boyfriend and try to leave with strangers. It took me a long time to go into treatment and it was mainly due to him begging me. Also i attacked him really badly, I kicked him in the head many times and gave him a concussion. I should have been arrested for it and I wasn't; I feel a lot of guilt now that i wasn't punished for hurting him and he is now for hurting me. Things were starting to get better but he was bipolar type 2 rapid cycling. He would get unstable and freak out and break up with me. He did on valentine's day. I met a guy in my progam. I went to two groups in one day and he was there. We started texting and he told me I was beautiful and that he only came that day to see me. He called me babe and finally after he said that I told him I had a boyfriend and set boundaries. We talked secretly for almost a month and I almost hung out with him once but I didn't. I liked that he didn't hate me and thought I was courageous for getting treatment and that he didn't know the horrible things I had done. I hid it from Alec and it ended with a huge fight.He confronted the guy John and it ended with him never having any trust or faith in me again. Things constantly went wrong and he always brought up every past mistake I had made and how I had ruined him. He said he couldn't get over everything until he knew every detail. He wanted to talk about the cheating and every lie in full detail- what I was thinking. Why I did it. What happened in my past. He told me we would never work until I worked on all of my issues. Yes I have never had a healthy relationship with any man, I thought Alec was the exception. Sexually it was healthy. He never pressured me. Made me feel like a princess. It was always about connecting on a higher level. It was never just sex with him.. I usually started crying I was so happy and felt so safe and loved with him. He did love me and before I really hurt him he was an amazing guy. Any moment he was stable he was an amazing guy. I truly thought I was going to marry him. I thought we were going to get an apartment and save money, move to San Francisco and grow old together. Now I have to go to court 2 times, have an order of protection against him. I lost my best and only friend. My family is smothering me and my therapist is happy I'm single and so is my family. I never wanted things to get so crazy. I wanted things to be okay. I have to figure out how to move on. He was my first love, everyone thinks they will marry their first love. He couldn't find a job, he was living in my parents home, there was constant tension and nothing I did would help anything. He was just so far hone/ so sad/depressed /heartbroken and I couldn't do anything to fix it. I wanted to fix him so badly. I wanted to make ammends. Change everything. I thought that 7 months passing from Alec finding out I was talking to John would be enough time to move forward. He just couldn't
 I knew deep down he was never going to get passed anything I did but I didn't want to believe it. I wanted to make it. I wanted to be the couple that could over come it all. Now I an just Another statistic. I'm another case number. Another girl who let her relationship get so far out of hand it ended in violence. Now I lost him, his family, I lost my future plans. I have to start over. My old friends made me choose him or them and I chose him in a heartbeat. I don't want to go back to them because why would I want to be friends with people that made me chose. Also they liked me better when I was drinking and encouraged me to drink until I blacked out. So now it's me and my thoughts. I go from crying to numb to confused to sad to numb to depressed. It's such a mess and until it's all done and out of court it will be a mess. I don't want him in more trouble. It's out of my hands now. So many people are involved. I wish this wasn't happening. I wish this was a bad dream I could wake up trom. I wake up every few hours. I dream about him constantly. I miss him so much. I shared my life, so much of my life with him. He lived with me in the room I sleep in, I shared everything with him. The bed I sleep in alone now used to be ours. It's all gone. It didn't have to be this way. He blames me I'm sure. But the things he said really scared me this time and I really thought he would follow through with what he said.

I justify the way he treated me because I hurt him so badly and treated him horribly first.  I lied and cheated and hurt him emotionally and physically. Most of this was done in the beginning of the relationship, mostly done under the influence of so much alcohol I didn't know my name. I don't want to make excuses because I did all of those thing's, It's harder for me to connect to it when I cannot remember. Also he still stayed with me. If it was all too much he should have left. He did break up with me but we always got back together and we both wanted to make it work so badly. We wanted the love to be enough. I wish it could have been.

How do I move on?
How do I fill my time?
How do I make friends without them feeling sorry for me?
How do I move forward?
I need serious help. I am so alone and so lost.
Please someone help me

#HELP #BREAKUP #ADVICE #BADBREAKUP #SINGLE #DEPRESSED #SCARED#ALONE