I have yet to go to sleep, but it is technically new years eve. I can think back over the years to the disastrous nights I had, or the nights I am unclear of, or the year I was ill and followed Alec around while he sold pills and I didn't know.
It's so crazy how much I didn't know. How bad his drug problem was. He was using a lot and was so out of control and I saw things were bad, but I didn't see just how bad they were.
That scares me that when it comes to him I won't see things for what they really are.
I know I love him, I know he is sober now and I know he is my best friend. He sees me for who I am and accepts it and loves every part of me.
And I see him, and I understand him and I accept him and love and cherish him.
But something bad did happen and because of it no one can know we are together.
It's hard to keep this secret.
I know my family knows I am talking to a "guy" and I have to hope they don't think it is Alec.
I know what people will say and what they will think and that doesn't bother me.
I have this fear that maybe I let my heart jump in before my mind, that I shouldn't spend so much time talking to him and planning to see him when he is back. Because I have to be my main priority and sadly I am still not at my best.
I am not at my best at all.
I am tired.
I sleep to little or too much.
I don't eat enough.
I still have a sore throat and cough, it wont go away its been over a month.
I don't feel like I am giving my new job 100%. It isn't exactly what I expected and I feel like the kids see right through me. I know I need to give myself a break.
I just want to get back on track. I want to be able to wake up and stick to a schedule.
But I know how I feel when I think of you, my heart is warm and my mind is happy.
I am consumed with loving you, I was so unhealthy about it before and I have this tiny fear, deep down inside me that I won't be able to control it. that I won't be able to put myself first, that I'll yearn for you and when I finally get to see you I will be devastated when you have to go again.
I feel weak and pathetic.
The facts are we had a crazy emotional roller coaster relationship. We will have been apart for 12 weeks when we finally get to see each other again.
You spend your days volunteering at a food bank, working out at the gym, working for your uncle, going to AA meetings. I spend my days going to work and watching tv and reading and talking to you. I have only gone to the gym 3 times in 3 weeks, I wanted to go 4 times a week.
I feel myself distancing myself from my family because I am afraid they will figure out its you I am talking too.
Legally we cannot talk or see each other and if they found out and said something to someone you could be in serious trouble for it and I do not want that.
I have anxiety.
I need to breathe. I need to limit my time on the phone with you at my house because I cant risk them finding out.
I love you and I know I want to be with you. I am just scared that I am not progressing enough right now, I am not getting myself healthy like I should be in this time we have to be apart.
I don't want to be unhealthy anymore. I don't want to repeat my past mistakes.
I know you make me happy and that loving you make me want to be a better person.
I just fear I am not that "better person" yet like you think I am.
I spent a lot of time wallowing in self pity and ignoring how I felt and working. Then just crying all night.
Now I have this residue of emotions left inside of me, still leaking out anxiety and sadness and I can't control it.
I don't want to be sad. I understand logically We are separated by 1500 miles. That we will get to see each other in 5 weeks in between when I work.
I promise myself no matter what I will not screw up this job. This is the step into a career, a lifetime of helping children and doing work that matters. Shaping lives of autistic children.
I need to no matter what eat breakfast in the morning with my protein shake. The protein shake alone is not enough.
I need to pack a lunch everyday because I do not want to buy food everyday and I need to have food on me so I keep energized.
I need to make time to go to the gym 4 times a week. I need it to keep my body healthy and strong, to relieve stress, to do something to better myself mentally, emotionally and physically.
I need to get 8 hours of sleep a night. I need to get on a routine, going to sleep by 12 o'clock, getting adequate rest.
I am Sober. I see that I was extremely codependent with you and that I do not ever want to be that way again. I am getting better and stronger, I need to keep heading in this direction,
I need to be healthy.
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