Its been 1 month

I didn't go to court on Friday with my dad to extend the order of protection. I just looked at the court circuit and I see that you were there on Friday, are now living in Montana and that you got a continuance set for 2 months from now. I just completely panicked and woke my dad up.
I devastated that I didn't go because I am devastated that I didn't see you. I miss you so fucking much. I miss you so much today and I have no idea if you miss me. That's what hurts the most. I don't know if you miss me. I don't know if you hate me. I don't know what you are thinking or feeling.
I am assuming that this place in Montana is a rehab/half way house/ some sort of a place where you are getting help. I know I do not need to be at the court date but I want to be. I cannot bear the thought of never seeing you again and if you do decide to take the plea deal that is the last time you'll be in court and that is my last chance to ever see you again. I hope you took me and my father not showing up to court as a sign that I still love you and that I don't want to make anything worse and that I just want you to be okay. I still have all of your stuff. I want you to have it back.
I miss you so fucking much. I hate not hearing from you. It actually killed me thinking you moved across the country. That I am still here in this home and you now live in Montana. But the court would have only approved that if you were getting help. And you need help.

I know I can't be a part of your life right now. I know I cannot talk to you or see you. I have to focus on me and my health and my well being. I have to be strong. I have to be strong. I just got this amazing new job and my life is heading off in a good direction. I need to focus on me. I will go to court on February 6th. I want to know first hand if you accept the deal, I want to physically see if you are better. I was so scared to go to court before because if I saw you I didn't know how you would act.
But by February 6th it will have been 3 months. A lot can change in 90 days. I hope that if you see me there you will know that I love you, that I don't want you in jail. That I want to be able to talk to you.
I don't know I am a mess.

I will be okay. No matter what happens, no matter what you decide, no matter how you feel about me I will be okay. I will continue getting stronger and finding myself and bettering myself.
I do hope someday that the best version of myself and the best of yours can be together.
It's only been 1 month. I still love you so much and want you so much. and I feel like everyone in the world is finding love and living happily after and I wanted that and still want that so badly with you. I don't know how to love anyone else. I don't know how to stop loving and wanting you. Everything I read just says time time time time time.
I guess just one day at a time, I guess just taking things slowly and working hard and becoming the best version of myself is all I can and want to do.

I love you boo, I always will.