Exhaustion

I don't sleep nearly as much as I used too. I also do not eat nearly as much as I used too or enough to be healthy. I am not hungry or I just plan everything with food so poorly that I waste my money eating out and I things I don't even really want and throw them away. I work everyday. Some days I work two jobs. I am definitely working hard but I have worked myself into exhaustion. When I am off of work I am wired. I have always been that way but now I really need to get on a schedule and stick with it. I am not healthy and I really need to be.

My life has changed so drastically and I feel like in some aspects I am taking care of myself and doing what's best for me, something I haven't done in years. 

I was always worrying, thinking, trying to fix, him. I let him consume me and I know that is never what he wanted. I didn't know how to have a healthy relationship, I am not sure I still do.

Right now I know I have to make myself a 100% priority. I am at about 75%. I need to get adequate rest, eat more and eat healthy, exercise and really focus on working hard and self discipline, self respect and self love. 

I want to be the best version of myself. I want to be successful, healthy and happy. Even though my relationship ended and in such a catastrophic way, I feel happy. I feel like I finally see all the amazing people I have had around me all this time and that I am thinking completely for myself. I used to think about us, him; I spent all my free time with him and I loved every minute of it, but you cannot live your entire life that way. It wasn't healthy or sane and I didn't care for such a long time because I loved him, but loving someone cannot take over your entire life. 

I am going to focus on self care, friendships, trying new things, working hard, being honest, never forgetting what I have been through. Learning so I do not make the same mistakes over and over again.

In a way it feels like I am free. You never let me forget my mistakes and fuck ups and horrible things I did, you never believed I could change. You made me believe I was only good enough to be with someone who let me know everyday how badly I hurt them and destroyed them and how I was a bitch and mean. I am not innocent. I did horrible things. I can be a huge fucking bitch, I have been really mean to you before and I am not proud of it. But it always felt like you were trying to teach me a lesson, projecting all your hurt and pain back at me. It was a constant battle. I could never make up for anything I had done, you could never let it go, I hurt you again and everything resurfaced and the pain was more intense and the fights were worse. 

 3 weeks ago I was in my bed devastated that you were in jail, that I had to call the cops and get you in trouble. Now I am grateful you didn't seriously injure me and that I have done everything I can to get you help but also get myself out of that situation. 

It isn't okay to live like that. I don't know if that is how I made you feel, if I did that is horrible and I hate that you stayed and let yourself feel that way. 

The biggest problem is I wanted to spend my life with you, I wanted a lifetime with you and I put the blinders on for everything because of that. People are not supposed to fight everyday. People have to have trust. People cannot worry that their spouse is doing drugs or on dating sites, playing mind games. And I always let that you are bipolar and had a horrible life be the defense to all your behavior. You didn't trust me, you would wait outside of my work and follow me to my house to time how long I really was there because I was a liar and it drove you to insanity. But I always let myself think it was my fault. You had a choice. You had choices. You didn't have to be with me. You didn't have to make empty threats and just end up staying. Yes you tried breaking up with me but I always begged and fought or made it seem like I would understand if you could never see me again but I didn't. I always thought he will come back, we will get back together. It wasn't fair to you I know you were trying to get it together, but things were so messed up in your life and you were "dependent" on me. You were living in my parents house, using my credit cards and money. Which made you feel bad about yourself and made me feel bad because I just wanted to help but I couldn't help in a way that satisfied me or you. 

 I heard so many stories from you that I will never know the truth on. Yes I lied, I was a liar. It was how I had always been to protect myself and it got worse and worse and I wasn't strong enough to be honest and do it all on my own. 

The truth is you saved me.You really did. Being with you I learned so many life lessons, I grew up. I learned the value of honesty and trust. I learned that I have to love myself, battle and concur my demons before I will ever be able to love myself or another human being in the way I want. 

Acceptance. I understand that dwelling, whining, self pity, crying really get you no where. That you have to be honest and understand fully what you have done/ what has happened to grasp your feelings. And you have to let yourself really feel it all. And you can't forget what you felt. But then you have to say how can I make sure this never happens again, you have to really think and believe and decide. You have to really learn from your mistakes/downfalls/losses/fuck ups. You have to be willing to say I really messed up, this is what I did, this is what I feel, This is how I made others feel, this is how it affected my life and others, I never want this to happen again and I need to remember it all so I never do. I need to grow and blossom. All the things I have always said I would do I need to do. 

I know this new job is going to be amazing for me. It will open so many doors for my future and I know I will be great at it. I know it will be challenging and extremely rewarding. I believe in myself. I know I can do it. 

I want to work on talking out loud more. Articulating my thoughts with my voice and not on paper. I have always been the type of person to write until my brain was empty. But that isn't how you have friendships. 

You have to be willing to open up about yourself if you want close friendships.

I was so scared for so long that my family, my friends, my coworkers wouldn't like my boyfriend. I lost friends over our relationship, over choosing him. But also deep down I was scared that they would never understand because how the hell could I tell people the truth and justify it all. 

I didn't want to look bad, however I see now that this was something I had to experience. I had to have this roller coaster relationship. This insane passion and connection with someone. I will miss that the most. The way I could be myself with him. But again, I don't think I was ever fully "myself" because even for how close we were I kept so much in. 

Time heals a lot. The more time that goes by from when I kicked him in the head, from the night I cheated on him, from hiding talking to John I see that what I did was wrong but I feel I have learned from these incidents, I feel like I understand what I did and why I did them and that I don't like that I did them and who I was letting myself become. People don't change overnight, but I was changing yet you constantly questioned me. You questioned if I really was changing, Always wanting evidence and proof. 

I don't think the phrase "once a cheater always a cheater" is true. I think the problem is "once you cheat you will never be fully trusted in that relationship and it will never work" But I think you can go on and never cheat again. I used to cheat on tests, homework, procrastinate. Now I want to be this hard working and motivated force. I feel like it has always been there I just let it come and go. I never held on to or believed in my strength.

The truth is our relationship changed when I was blacked out drunk in that hotel that night, when I cheated on you. Because it took so long for me to really find out what happened. And I was in such denial. I didn't want to hurt you and be the bad guy. But I was. I should have let you go. 

I hate how hurt you are. I get a ball of anxiety so tight in my chest when I think about how much I have hurt you.

Now I see that you were so hurt from so many things before that. That all my mistakes and wrongdoings were so much more painful for you because it wasn't the first time. You had been hurt way too many times and my naive inexperienced self made you promises in the beginning to never hurt you. So not only did I cheat and lie, I broke the promises I made and it one too many broken promises over your lifetime.

I can't go to court on Friday because I cannot risk seeing you. Because I still love you so much and part of me is so scared that you will look at me with pure disgust and hate, and the other part of me is scared you'll look at me and still love me. 

At this point losing you forever is awful, but it isn't as scary as it was 3 weeks ago.

I don't know what is going to happen but this is the chapter of my life where I focus on myself. Where I grow and learn and blossom. This is the time for me to become the best version of me. 

I don't know what is going to happen with you and me. I don't know if I will have to go to court, if I will ever see you again, if I will get closure, If we will be friends, if we will still love each other and want a second shot. It would have to be completely different, everything would be different. I can't let myself think there is a chance that could happen. I cannot waste time imaging and fantasizing about what could be. I have to live in the now and in the now we are toxic for one another and cannot be together and I am focusing on me. 

I will always love you and I do miss you everyday. 

I hope you are really getting help, I hope you can have a healthy, happy and successful future. I still wish I could be apart of it but I also know the chances of that are near to impossible and can only focus on everything one day at a time.