Who Am I?

Before you I was insecure. I never opened up about anything. I lived my whole life screaming on the inside and never uttered a single word. I would go to a therapist and not tell them what was wrong and leave angry that they didn't fix me. I would drink until I forgot my name, forgot what was happening, who I was. I would drink to forget myself and my pain. I pretended I didn't care when everything hurt. I used sex as a way of control. I could get anyone I wanted to have sex with me and it would mean nothing to me and then I would win. That is what I convinced myself. When really it made everything hurt worse. There were many times I wanted to die, wished for a horrible family so I could kill myself. Wished I didn't have anyone who cared about me so I could just leave this earth once and for all. And because I had people who loved me and cared I hated them for it. I was so mean, so horrible to them. I couldn't leave because they loved me. I was stuck in pain because of them.
My view of myself, of my life, of the world was so disturbed and warped. I hated reality so I retreated into my head. I could create any life I wanted for myself in my head. I could be happy, I could be successful, I could be strong and be in love or speak up for myself. Then I could just convince myself it was real or spend so much time fantasizing that reality no longer made me feel bad.
I could disassociate from reality and looking back now its very scary.
I think because I was so easily able to do that, when I drank and blacked out, my brain switched into the fantasy world and now I was able to live the fantasies. I could be the brave outspoken girl. I could do whatever the fuck I wanted.
I see it so clearly now. I see myself, I see how I used to act, how I used to escape and cope and I see how much I have changed.
Don't get me wrong, All of this break up and court drama has caused so much pain that I have found myself fantasizing about what will happen when I see him again, what I will say, what he will say back, Only now I see it. I hear myself and I say NO. This isnt real. This isn't healthy. You cannot control what will happen in 2 months, thinking about it, fantasizing, will do NOTHING BUT DRIVE YOU CRAZY.
I have to just keep breathing.. Keep living. Keep working hard.. Keep trying.. Putting in 100% effort into my life, my self. Self improvement, doing what I want and need, Doing what is best for me.
I know I have to and I feel like for how everything went down I am doing a good job. Yes there are things I need to improve on, but now that I have focused on work, getting a new job, am finally starting it, got a gym membership, got a new bed, got all of your stuff out of my room, have a timeline of when I will have to go to court. Now that I have all of these things done I feel like I can really start living. I needed a month to recover, regroup, open up a bit, line things up and now that I have I am ready.
I feel stronger and more confident.

After you..
Two years we were together, and the person I was in the beginning was that horrible scared insecure girl who hid behind lies and buried everything away.
But now... Now I embrace the truth. I am PROUD of myself. I am sober, I am thriving, I am moving forward, making good choices. I am working hard. I am doing right by me. I am doing what I need to do for me.
You can't fix everything at once. you can't fix things so easily. I always looked for the easy way, the quick fix and now I don't. I embrace the challenges.
I thought I had everything all planned, but I had no idea what I was doing.
I spent so much time trying to fix you, protect you, take responsibility for your actions. I lost myself.
But I am here. I am here now for the first time in my life. I feel confident in ability to be successful, in my intelligence, in my beauty.
Your love taught me to accept and love myself. Being with you changed me so much. But also losing you changed me so much. Losing the support, the best friend, the lover, the life partner was horrible. But here I am. I am stronger. I am thriving. I am opening up and being honest to people I never was before. I got a new career, I have worked my ass off and have been smart with money trying to pay my credit cards, loans.
I am taking care of me, I know that I am not that same girl who drank her problems away and needed attention from guys to feel good about herself
two guys last week asked for my phone number. I did not like it. It bothered me. One was being very aggressive about it. I was just your server being polite, treating you like every other customer- with respect. I do not appreciate being hit on. I used too. it used to validate my beauty, my being when guys wanted and acknowledged me.
Now I know I am smart and strong and beautiful and that I don't need a guys attention to tell me that. It wasn't your attention that made me see this in me, it was your respect, kindness, love, compassion for me. Your ability to fight for me and want the best for me.
Being in love, being in a relationship with you for 2 years and now being alone, I know I am a good person, a strong person, a kind person, a beautiful person, an intelligent person.

I know I am going to be okay,
I do not know what is going to happen, but I know I'll end up being okay no matter what does.