Trouble sleeping

I have to be at work at 8 am. I am having trouble sleeping. I cried a lot tonight thinking about you. This is our 2 year anniversary, or it would have been. I feel like I was so broken when you met me and instead of fixing myself I took you down with me; only you were so broken from Jess and your family that I took you over the edge. I took you to the point of explosion. I tried and tried to fix you, fix the damage, make it better, but I never could. I hate that I don't have you anymore, I hate that it's been 3 weeks and this incredible milestone is ruined. I hate that this is how it ends, I hate that this is how our story ends. I hate how much I hurt you in our story and I hate how much you hurt me back. My life is getting better. I am getting on track. It's hard and scary but exciting. I do feel alone in an independent way, a freedom I didn't have in our relationship. There were so many pro's to us and still many con's. I wish we could be on the same page but I know we are not right now. I know I am never supposed to be with you again, never see you again, "maybe you guys can be friends in like 10 years", but I don't know how to do that. How do I go from having you in my life everyday for 2 years to completely gone forever? I don't want that. I do not want you gone forever. Part of me told people so that if I wanted to be with you again they'd stop me. No one would ever respect me. But I don't know if I can respect myself without seeing you again, apologizing, getting closure. Maybe being friends I don't know how this works. There is a strong chance you will choose to never see me or hear from me again or that your dad will make you a deal and help you as long as you never see me or talk to me again.
The uncertainty eats at me. I hate not knowing what is happening. I don't want to get the extended order of protection from you. I don't want it but I also don't want you to hurt my dad. I don't know where you are, what you're feeling and how to process all of this and how to move forward. I know what everyone is telling me but I don't know if I can stomach getting an order of protection. I don't think I am strong enough to do it.
I don't know what I want. I want to stop worrying and thinking so much. I want you to except the plea deal. I want you to be happy.

I hate feeling that this is the end. This is the worst ending I could have imagined. I really loved you so much. I still do and I really miss you

Tomorrow would have been our two year anniversary

Three weeks ago I would have been planning a day with you. I would have wanted to do whatever I could to show you that two years with you were the best thing that ever happened too me. It's amazing what can happen in 3 weeks, it feels like a lifetime. 

In the past 3 weeks without you I have recovered from my wisdom teeth surgery, I have gotten a terrible cold, the flu, a sinus infection and a terrible reaction to my medication.

I opened up to a few girls about what happened and finally feel like I have friends.

I started a new job in a preschool during the day while working nights at the restaurant.

I got an interview for my dream job, landed it, got hired and start training for my new job in a week and a half.

Had an amazing Thanksgiving with my parents, sisters and my amazing grandparents. 

Have slept every night without, Finally stopped having nightmares about you.

At first I worried about you, wanted to talk to you; emailed you, facebook messaged you, tried to message you on a dating site, made a profile on a dating site and someone recognized me and asked me if it was me or if someone stole my picture. Now I realize that I cannot talk to you. That I have to let you get help or not get help and deal with what the law will bring to you. I have to accept that you may hate me and blame me for the rest of your life. That I may never get closure with you.

At first I wanted you back so badly. Now all I want is for you to accept the plea deal. I don't know what is going to happen and I have stopped trying to predict and control it. I have to accept that I may never see or hear from you again.

I don't know if you'll ever see this but I just want you to be happy and healthy and get to do what you love in life; work on cars and move back to California. 

I still miss you terribly and love you and you will always be my first love.

I can't imagine myself with anyone else. It's so hard to think of myself as "single" but I guess I am single... All I am doing is focusing on work, my new career, my future career plans and goals. 

I hope you can do the same.

I love you Boo

Seeing things a little more clearly

It has been 2 weeks since the fight, since the police and since I have last talked too you. Two long weeks, two weeks where so much has changed. I went from being obsessed with you, dependent on you, always with you to alone. I have talked about what happened, opened up to people, worked a new job, gotten an opportunity to interview for my dream job. I see now that things were so dysfunctional for so long. That you should have left me when I hurt you. You should have called the police because what I did to you wasn't fair. That I have come a long way from the girl who kicked you over and over in the head, That I abused you and hurt you, cheated on you and lied to you. That I have changed and grown up and that I am getting better but I justified everything you did because I hurt you so badly. I took responsibility and defended you and wanted to fix you. I couldn't do it. You needed to get help and fix you.  I am so sorry for all of the pain that I caused you. I see now that you should have walked away because I just begged and begged and begged for more chances, but you were forever changed inside. I hurt you so deep that you could never forgive me. Maybe you did not realize it or did not want to believe it. You have needed help for a very long time and I hope now you are getting it and accepting the help.  You deserve to live, you deserve someone who doesn't black out and hurt you. I damaged you when you were so damaged already. I have never loved someone before and I see now what I did to you was so wrong. I see how weak you were to not stand up for your self. I hate that. I hate that you didn't have the strength or self love to walk away and never look back. Our relationship was chaos and dysfunction and there was good but so much fighting and hurt and pain.. I love you so much and I hate you for what you did. I hate that you hurt me, that you left me with no choice but to call the police and walk away. I loved you so much and I wanted to marry you, I wanted you to get it together. I wanted you so badly I was blinded..You needed help and you kept doing things that were red flags and I ignored it and just loved you and let this happen. But I hate that you left me with no choice. I had to walk away, get an order of protection against you. I miss you so much and I hate that I can't be with you. Shauna told me you realize you can never be with him again because the next time he could kill you. But I hurt him and I still believe people can change. I believe he is good and can get help and change. I think we are toxic for each other and that I destroyed him and he was so damaged and hurt and he lost it and destroyed me.
Well I am not destroyed. I am a little bit broken but I know I will be alright. Two weeks and I already feel less desperate. I feel like I have the strength to stay away. I don't know if that will be forever but right now I finally have the strength to stop trying to contact him and focus on me.

I am going to be okay.
I am going to get this dream job.
I am going to change lives.
I am going to change my life.
I am going to be okay.
I will make it.
I will be okay and no matter what happens with him I will know it isn't on me.
You have to take responsibility for your actions.
I wish I had taken responsibility for mine.
I wish you would have called the police and gotten away from me.
Because now everything is a mess and your life is all chaos.
But it has been for so long.
But all of this happened so long ago.
You were never the same after that.
I destroyed you.
I am so sorry.
I am trying not to feel responsible because you should have walked away
but I begged and begged you to stay and you didnt press charges.
I hate myself for that.
I am so sorry.
I will always love you.
You changed me for the better
I never want to hurt another person again.
I am so sorry for everything.
I wish it didn't end like this.
I wish you weren't alone.
I wish you would accept help.
I have no control over you.
all I can control is myself
I have to be strong. I have to stop blaming myself. I have to learn from this and change and grow.
I have to make sure I never hurt someone like this again
I also have to make sure I never let someone hurt me like this again.

I miss you so much right now

I got all the court documents. I don't know how you are feeling/ where you are. I don't know if you know what's going on. I hate that I can't talk to you. I want to call you so badly. I want to hear your voice. I want to know how you are. Everyone is telling me this will all be over soon snd I'll be able to move on, but I wont, because you are the only person I love. I know who you really are and its not the person I saw last Monday night. It's been 10 days since I have seen you, heard from you. That is longest we have ever gone in 2 years.
I don't know how to get it together. I can't sleep without you. I can't fucking sleep. I look for you every night. I hate it so much. I wish all of this never happened. I just want to hold you and tell you I love you and forget the rest of the world for a minute. That's what is killing me. I can't get you out of my head the last time I saw you. But I dream about you every night. I think about you all the time. I worked both jobs today and it was such a long day and on the way home pulling into my neighborhood I burst into tears realizing the only person I want to talk to about my day isn't here. I just wish I could talk to you.

I can't sleep

Not the way I used too. Last night was the longest I slept through the night, 1 am to 5:30. I woke up having a dream about us. We were in a motel killing ourselves together. We were giving each other different pills. The room was a mess and I kept thinking I should be scared, I should want my stomach pumped. I don't know if I called 911 but I started thinking I have to trick him and get his stomach pumped and I kept hoping there was a way I could be unconscious while mine was being pumped. Then I woke up at 5:30. I've been trying to fall back asleep for 2 hours but I can't. I work both jobs today, I'm scared I'm going to be a mess.
I miss you so much. I miss talking you and cuddling with you. I hate this bed, I hate this room and I hate Night time without you. I wonder where you are, what you're doing, how you are feeling, how you feel about me. Legally I keep making your life worse. I don't want to make it worse. I just want too see you and hear your voice. I want you to know how often I think of you and how much I love you.
I don't know how too function right now. My body can't get it together. I'm exhausted and can never sleep more than a few hours. I take my klonopin and I have even added melatonin but nothing works. I don't feel safe, I feel so alone. I miss my other half so much. I miss you so much. It's not getting easier. I have so much anxiety about the court dates, seeing you, all the uncertainty. I fucking hate this. I hate this so much

I wonder how you are today

I drove in your neighborhood. It was instinctive. I just started driving and I was down the street 10 houses away from you. I saw the TT and the cougar in the driveway. I don't know if you were there. If you were I guess you were probably there sleeping, or maybe you were in a treatment center.
It's been exactly a week.
I'm struggling today.
I got a flu shot, finished work for all the credit cards, medical paperwork for my new job. I couldn't sleep last night. I was up until 5 am. I kept seeing you every time I closed my eyes. I kept reaching over and grabbing for you. I know in my gut you tried to call me from jail the first day you were there. I missed them. I don't know what you wanted to say. I have an order of protection until December 5th and I don't want it to continue. I want to see you so badly. I want to talk to you, I want to know how you are. I miss you so much. I wonder if anyone is reading this. People probably think what is wrong with you, he hurt you. He wasn't stable. He isn't always like that. I used to drink until I blacked out. Beat him, Verbally abuse him, cheater on him. His life has been insane. Every bad thing that could ever happen to a person happened to him, time and time again. He needs help, love, stability. I want to be the one still that helps him. I know I can't. I won.t try but I'll never stop thinking about it

I can't imagine a life without you. I don't want to imagine a life without you. I picture myself as tour wife, us having babies, supporting each others careers. I know I am not delusional, I know it can be a reality, I just wonder if you feel the same way.
December 5th. December 9th. I wonder if I get to see you. I wonder if I get to talk to you. I hope your dad isn't in crazy lawyer mode and keeps us so far apart that I don't get a chance to say I'm sorry and I love you.

Dear alec, I want you to know

That because of you I will never hurt someone again. That I am spilling our the truth and being honest like I was always meant to be. That every time I think of love I think of you. That you were my first love, the one that got away, the one I had to lose to learn. I am truly sorry that you had to be my lesson, it was never fair to you. I was never meant to be in a relationship I was too messed up and I took it all out on you. I hate how I hurt you but I am using that hate to fuel this desire to be better. I want to be the person you deserved. I will be honest and caring and hard working. I will set goals and stop making excuses and achieve them. You will be my incentive for wverything. I want you to know your love changed me forever. That no one will due. That you made me feel like I was a princess and beautiful, you made me see I was creative and really smart. You pushed me and never let me get away with bullshit. You changed me in the best ways. You have made me and better person and I need you to know I will love you forever for that. you were the only one who stood up for me and helped me stop drinking. You saved my life. It's so hard to believe how badly things ended when I think of all the good you did for me. I know I was good for you, but not all the time, and that I did too many bad things to ever make you see that I was good. You told me right from the start what you couldn't accept or handle and I did all of them. Two deserved better and I am so sorry for all the hurt, pain and sadness I caused you. I hope you are getting help. Because when you are stable you are a fucking rock star and I can't imagine a world without you could ever be a good place. Even if I never get the chance to talk to you I will write to you and hopefully someday track you down and send them to you. If I never get to be a part of your life again I hope I get a proper goodbye.
Love you always and forever
Your boo

Sunday, changes are coming

Today was the first day I smiled. Two girls I work with invited me over to paint with them. vick got a town home with her boyfriend and in the second bedroom they wanted a mural/friends to paint on the wall. I talked to jamie, vick and Jess  (vick best friend) they really helped me see how unhealthy mine and Alec's relationship became. They listened, gave advice, made me finally feel like I wasn't alone. I do miss him so much. I listened to the first voice mail he left me from new years 2013 he was so different. He was happy, excited. That's who I fell in love with. I wish he was still that guy. I hope and pray I can get that guy back someday. I hope I get a chance to talk to him, get real closure. I miss him being close to me, I miss the sex, I miss the way he made me laugh and feel do beautiful.
The pictures, one is of the mural and one is of my part of the mural. It helped me so much today. Girls day, art, painting. I finally have a little glimpse of feeling good. It was nice. I feel like I am going to be okay. 

I hope someday I get a chance to talk to him. I hope I get that chance.

I miss him so much

I miss him so much it hurts. It hits me in waves, the worst in the evening. Night time was our time together. We watched netflux, talked about our days, planned the future. I can't stand to be in this room. I am all alone. I had plans and dreams of a life with him and now it's all gone. I hate this room, this bed without him. This was our space and now it's gone. I wish I could make this right. Well actually I don't know if I could, I just hate that I had a life time of plans and dreams and Now they are gone. Why did it have to end so badly? I still have paperwork to fill out snd write my side of the story. I don't want this to be happening. I have no control. It'd supposed to be in my control but it isnt. There is an investigation and a judge will decide everything. I just miss my boo. I miss his smile and us popping pimples. Getting fast food late at night. Showering together. Promising to be with each other for ever. I'd say I don't know what I would do without you and he would say you never have too. We would say we couldn't wait to marry each other, that I never wanted to be naked for anyone but him. That I was the girl of his fantasies and that no one could make him feel the way I do. I don't know how to live a happy life without him. I keep watching criminal minds because it's the only show I have been watching without him. I can't watch sons of anarchy or the killing because it was what we watched together.

I just wish I had my partner back.
Everything is so hard and I just wish I could hug him and cry in his arms.

I hate my life without him.
I am trying. I am going to move forward.
I just hope this isn't the end. I hope that
After the court business is over I hope I get a chance to talk to him. I just don't want our last conversation to be him standing over my bed telling me I ruined everything, that I am the worst thing that has ever happened to him and that he hates me. His sister in law read my messages and never responded. I know my connection with his family is over. I just hope something can be changed. I just don't want 2 years to end like this...

Getting over him day 4

I am using this blog as a way to get over a very very bad break up.. we have been together on and off for 2 years. Things were a mess from the beginning. I was drinking every weekend and blacking out. I cheated on hin. Verbally abused him. Physically assaulted him and never knew what had happened. I would get drunk and black out and forget I had a boyfriend and try to leave with strangers. It took me a long time to go into treatment and it was mainly due to him begging me. Also i attacked him really badly, I kicked him in the head many times and gave him a concussion. I should have been arrested for it and I wasn't; I feel a lot of guilt now that i wasn't punished for hurting him and he is now for hurting me. Things were starting to get better but he was bipolar type 2 rapid cycling. He would get unstable and freak out and break up with me. He did on valentine's day. I met a guy in my progam. I went to two groups in one day and he was there. We started texting and he told me I was beautiful and that he only came that day to see me. He called me babe and finally after he said that I told him I had a boyfriend and set boundaries. We talked secretly for almost a month and I almost hung out with him once but I didn't. I liked that he didn't hate me and thought I was courageous for getting treatment and that he didn't know the horrible things I had done. I hid it from Alec and it ended with a huge fight.He confronted the guy John and it ended with him never having any trust or faith in me again. Things constantly went wrong and he always brought up every past mistake I had made and how I had ruined him. He said he couldn't get over everything until he knew every detail. He wanted to talk about the cheating and every lie in full detail- what I was thinking. Why I did it. What happened in my past. He told me we would never work until I worked on all of my issues. Yes I have never had a healthy relationship with any man, I thought Alec was the exception. Sexually it was healthy. He never pressured me. Made me feel like a princess. It was always about connecting on a higher level. It was never just sex with him.. I usually started crying I was so happy and felt so safe and loved with him. He did love me and before I really hurt him he was an amazing guy. Any moment he was stable he was an amazing guy. I truly thought I was going to marry him. I thought we were going to get an apartment and save money, move to San Francisco and grow old together. Now I have to go to court 2 times, have an order of protection against him. I lost my best and only friend. My family is smothering me and my therapist is happy I'm single and so is my family. I never wanted things to get so crazy. I wanted things to be okay. I have to figure out how to move on. He was my first love, everyone thinks they will marry their first love. He couldn't find a job, he was living in my parents home, there was constant tension and nothing I did would help anything. He was just so far hone/ so sad/depressed /heartbroken and I couldn't do anything to fix it. I wanted to fix him so badly. I wanted to make ammends. Change everything. I thought that 7 months passing from Alec finding out I was talking to John would be enough time to move forward. He just couldn't
 I knew deep down he was never going to get passed anything I did but I didn't want to believe it. I wanted to make it. I wanted to be the couple that could over come it all. Now I an just Another statistic. I'm another case number. Another girl who let her relationship get so far out of hand it ended in violence. Now I lost him, his family, I lost my future plans. I have to start over. My old friends made me choose him or them and I chose him in a heartbeat. I don't want to go back to them because why would I want to be friends with people that made me chose. Also they liked me better when I was drinking and encouraged me to drink until I blacked out. So now it's me and my thoughts. I go from crying to numb to confused to sad to numb to depressed. It's such a mess and until it's all done and out of court it will be a mess. I don't want him in more trouble. It's out of my hands now. So many people are involved. I wish this wasn't happening. I wish this was a bad dream I could wake up trom. I wake up every few hours. I dream about him constantly. I miss him so much. I shared my life, so much of my life with him. He lived with me in the room I sleep in, I shared everything with him. The bed I sleep in alone now used to be ours. It's all gone. It didn't have to be this way. He blames me I'm sure. But the things he said really scared me this time and I really thought he would follow through with what he said.

I justify the way he treated me because I hurt him so badly and treated him horribly first.  I lied and cheated and hurt him emotionally and physically. Most of this was done in the beginning of the relationship, mostly done under the influence of so much alcohol I didn't know my name. I don't want to make excuses because I did all of those thing's, It's harder for me to connect to it when I cannot remember. Also he still stayed with me. If it was all too much he should have left. He did break up with me but we always got back together and we both wanted to make it work so badly. We wanted the love to be enough. I wish it could have been.

How do I move on?
How do I fill my time?
How do I make friends without them feeling sorry for me?
How do I move forward?
I need serious help. I am so alone and so lost.
Please someone help me

#HELP #BREAKUP #ADVICE #BADBREAKUP #SINGLE #DEPRESSED #SCARED#ALONE