I am using this blog as a way to get over a very very bad break up.. we have been together on and off for 2 years. Things were a mess from the beginning. I was drinking every weekend and blacking out. I cheated on hin. Verbally abused him. Physically assaulted him and never knew what had happened. I would get drunk and black out and forget I had a boyfriend and try to leave with strangers. It took me a long time to go into treatment and it was mainly due to him begging me. Also i attacked him really badly, I kicked him in the head many times and gave him a concussion. I should have been arrested for it and I wasn't; I feel a lot of guilt now that i wasn't punished for hurting him and he is now for hurting me. Things were starting to get better but he was bipolar type 2 rapid cycling. He would get unstable and freak out and break up with me. He did on valentine's day. I met a guy in my progam. I went to two groups in one day and he was there. We started texting and he told me I was beautiful and that he only came that day to see me. He called me babe and finally after he said that I told him I had a boyfriend and set boundaries. We talked secretly for almost a month and I almost hung out with him once but I didn't. I liked that he didn't hate me and thought I was courageous for getting treatment and that he didn't know the horrible things I had done. I hid it from Alec and it ended with a huge fight.He confronted the guy John and it ended with him never having any trust or faith in me again. Things constantly went wrong and he always brought up every past mistake I had made and how I had ruined him. He said he couldn't get over everything until he knew every detail. He wanted to talk about the cheating and every lie in full detail- what I was thinking. Why I did it. What happened in my past. He told me we would never work until I worked on all of my issues. Yes I have never had a healthy relationship with any man, I thought Alec was the exception. Sexually it was healthy. He never pressured me. Made me feel like a princess. It was always about connecting on a higher level. It was never just sex with him.. I usually started crying I was so happy and felt so safe and loved with him. He did love me and before I really hurt him he was an amazing guy. Any moment he was stable he was an amazing guy. I truly thought I was going to marry him. I thought we were going to get an apartment and save money, move to San Francisco and grow old together. Now I have to go to court 2 times, have an order of protection against him. I lost my best and only friend. My family is smothering me and my therapist is happy I'm single and so is my family. I never wanted things to get so crazy. I wanted things to be okay. I have to figure out how to move on. He was my first love, everyone thinks they will marry their first love. He couldn't find a job, he was living in my parents home, there was constant tension and nothing I did would help anything. He was just so far hone/ so sad/depressed /heartbroken and I couldn't do anything to fix it. I wanted to fix him so badly. I wanted to make ammends. Change everything. I thought that 7 months passing from Alec finding out I was talking to John would be enough time to move forward. He just couldn't
I knew deep down he was never going to get passed anything I did but I didn't want to believe it. I wanted to make it. I wanted to be the couple that could over come it all. Now I an just Another statistic. I'm another case number. Another girl who let her relationship get so far out of hand it ended in violence. Now I lost him, his family, I lost my future plans. I have to start over. My old friends made me choose him or them and I chose him in a heartbeat. I don't want to go back to them because why would I want to be friends with people that made me chose. Also they liked me better when I was drinking and encouraged me to drink until I blacked out. So now it's me and my thoughts. I go from crying to numb to confused to sad to numb to depressed. It's such a mess and until it's all done and out of court it will be a mess. I don't want him in more trouble. It's out of my hands now. So many people are involved. I wish this wasn't happening. I wish this was a bad dream I could wake up trom. I wake up every few hours. I dream about him constantly. I miss him so much. I shared my life, so much of my life with him. He lived with me in the room I sleep in, I shared everything with him. The bed I sleep in alone now used to be ours. It's all gone. It didn't have to be this way. He blames me I'm sure. But the things he said really scared me this time and I really thought he would follow through with what he said.
I justify the way he treated me because I hurt him so badly and treated him horribly first. I lied and cheated and hurt him emotionally and physically. Most of this was done in the beginning of the relationship, mostly done under the influence of so much alcohol I didn't know my name. I don't want to make excuses because I did all of those thing's, It's harder for me to connect to it when I cannot remember. Also he still stayed with me. If it was all too much he should have left. He did break up with me but we always got back together and we both wanted to make it work so badly. We wanted the love to be enough. I wish it could have been.
How do I move on?
How do I fill my time?
How do I make friends without them feeling sorry for me?
How do I move forward?
I need serious help. I am so alone and so lost.
Please someone help me
#HELP #BREAKUP #ADVICE #BADBREAKUP #SINGLE #DEPRESSED #SCARED#ALONE
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