It has been 2 weeks since the fight, since the police and since I have last talked too you. Two long weeks, two weeks where so much has changed. I went from being obsessed with you, dependent on you, always with you to alone. I have talked about what happened, opened up to people, worked a new job, gotten an opportunity to interview for my dream job. I see now that things were so dysfunctional for so long. That you should have left me when I hurt you. You should have called the police because what I did to you wasn't fair. That I have come a long way from the girl who kicked you over and over in the head, That I abused you and hurt you, cheated on you and lied to you. That I have changed and grown up and that I am getting better but I justified everything you did because I hurt you so badly. I took responsibility and defended you and wanted to fix you. I couldn't do it. You needed to get help and fix you. I am so sorry for all of the pain that I caused you. I see now that you should have walked away because I just begged and begged and begged for more chances, but you were forever changed inside. I hurt you so deep that you could never forgive me. Maybe you did not realize it or did not want to believe it. You have needed help for a very long time and I hope now you are getting it and accepting the help. You deserve to live, you deserve someone who doesn't black out and hurt you. I damaged you when you were so damaged already. I have never loved someone before and I see now what I did to you was so wrong. I see how weak you were to not stand up for your self. I hate that. I hate that you didn't have the strength or self love to walk away and never look back. Our relationship was chaos and dysfunction and there was good but so much fighting and hurt and pain.. I love you so much and I hate you for what you did. I hate that you hurt me, that you left me with no choice but to call the police and walk away. I loved you so much and I wanted to marry you, I wanted you to get it together. I wanted you so badly I was blinded..You needed help and you kept doing things that were red flags and I ignored it and just loved you and let this happen. But I hate that you left me with no choice. I had to walk away, get an order of protection against you. I miss you so much and I hate that I can't be with you. Shauna told me you realize you can never be with him again because the next time he could kill you. But I hurt him and I still believe people can change. I believe he is good and can get help and change. I think we are toxic for each other and that I destroyed him and he was so damaged and hurt and he lost it and destroyed me.
Well I am not destroyed. I am a little bit broken but I know I will be alright. Two weeks and I already feel less desperate. I feel like I have the strength to stay away. I don't know if that will be forever but right now I finally have the strength to stop trying to contact him and focus on me.
I am going to be okay.
I am going to get this dream job.
I am going to change lives.
I am going to change my life.
I am going to be okay.
I will make it.
I will be okay and no matter what happens with him I will know it isn't on me.
You have to take responsibility for your actions.
I wish I had taken responsibility for mine.
I wish you would have called the police and gotten away from me.
Because now everything is a mess and your life is all chaos.
But it has been for so long.
But all of this happened so long ago.
You were never the same after that.
I destroyed you.
I am so sorry.
I am trying not to feel responsible because you should have walked away
but I begged and begged you to stay and you didnt press charges.
I hate myself for that.
I am so sorry.
I will always love you.
You changed me for the better
I never want to hurt another person again.
I am so sorry for everything.
I wish it didn't end like this.
I wish you weren't alone.
I wish you would accept help.
I have no control over you.
all I can control is myself
I have to be strong. I have to stop blaming myself. I have to learn from this and change and grow.
I have to make sure I never hurt someone like this again
I also have to make sure I never let someone hurt me like this again.
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