Grief

I found out today you are in an inpatient treatment center in Montana. I am really happy you are really getting help. I am scared the reason you chose to get treatment so far away is because you want to be far away from me, because you want nothing to do with me ever again. The  idea that this is how it ends, that we have to be done is killing me. And the thought that when I go to court on February 6th and that you want nothing to do with me will shatter me. If we can never be together again I just pray we can have a conversation of closure. That we love each other but we cannot be with each other because we are not good for each other. That we love each other too much to hurt each other. I pray and pray and hope this is outcome. Because I do not know how to handle you hating me forever..

Reading about break ups I am reading about embracing feelings.
-I am devastated that I lost my best friend. Alec was my confidant, my person. Every night I came home into his arms. It's been one month without his embrace, without my best friend. I miss going out to dinner, Watching Netflix. Learning about cars. Working on cars. I miss being able to talk and cry and laugh with him.
- I miss the sex. Sex was something meaningless and basically horrible for me. Meeting Alec changed everything for me. For the first time in my life I had a connection. For the first time in my life I felt love physically. I felt beautiful and amazing. I felt like a queen. Alec made me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world and that I was was the only one who would ever be beautiful to him. And honestly no one compares to him. I don't think I will ever be able to connect with another person on that level. As corny as it is he would make me feel so good I would become overwhelmed and just cry and on and continuously say I am sorry and he would laugh and tell me not to be sorry.
- I don't want to move on. I know everyone is telling me I have too. I know that things were so dysfunctional and it ended in violence and we had had violence in the past, But I do not want this to be the end. I don't know how to believe this is the end.
- I am crushed that San Francisco for us is dead. We had a plan. To sell your car, get rid of mine and move to San Francisco. That dream is dead for us.
- I am happy I got this job, a new bed, a new gym membership. I am opening up to people and making plans. I am going through the motions to heal and get better, but my heart is so madly in love with you still. My heart hurts for you and misses you everyday. I don't know how to stop my heart from hurting so much. I don't know how to stop missing you.

I am so scared of a life without you. I know its been a month without you and I am doing abnormally well, but this is not the life I wanted or planned. I know we do not always get what we want and that I need time and patience and a new routine. I need to keep moving forward and I need to stop thinking about wanting you back and still loving you and missing you and I have to focus on me and my health and my job and being alone and moving forward. I have to focus on moving forward because people do not get back together after this. People do not remain friends. People do not stay together.

I want to be that one in a million so bad, I want to make it out the other side stronger and healthier and happier and able to be with you and move forward.
I know you know about the deal. I know you know I did not continue an order of protection against you. That I chose to have contact still ( no offense contact). That I do not want this to be the end.

Maybe I am pathetic and naive and since you are my first love I am holding on.
But I am not your first love. You loved many times before me and it kills me thinking you;ll get over me and move on.

I want to be able to move forward with you if that is possible. I don't know if it is.

Its only been one month. Its only been 4 weeks and 29 days.

I need to be strong. I need to accept I can only control myself and what I do. I go to work.
I need to start eating better, more and healthier. I need to get myself in a good and strong place. You have 2 months to continue working, growing, changing, accepting. You have all the tools you need. You have Terri, your family, a few friends, a new gym membership, a new rewarding career.
YOU CAN DO THIS ERIN.

You had Alec for 2 years and they changed your life forever.
If this is the end you have to accept it.