Its been 1 month

I didn't go to court on Friday with my dad to extend the order of protection. I just looked at the court circuit and I see that you were there on Friday, are now living in Montana and that you got a continuance set for 2 months from now. I just completely panicked and woke my dad up.
I devastated that I didn't go because I am devastated that I didn't see you. I miss you so fucking much. I miss you so much today and I have no idea if you miss me. That's what hurts the most. I don't know if you miss me. I don't know if you hate me. I don't know what you are thinking or feeling.
I am assuming that this place in Montana is a rehab/half way house/ some sort of a place where you are getting help. I know I do not need to be at the court date but I want to be. I cannot bear the thought of never seeing you again and if you do decide to take the plea deal that is the last time you'll be in court and that is my last chance to ever see you again. I hope you took me and my father not showing up to court as a sign that I still love you and that I don't want to make anything worse and that I just want you to be okay. I still have all of your stuff. I want you to have it back.
I miss you so fucking much. I hate not hearing from you. It actually killed me thinking you moved across the country. That I am still here in this home and you now live in Montana. But the court would have only approved that if you were getting help. And you need help.

I know I can't be a part of your life right now. I know I cannot talk to you or see you. I have to focus on me and my health and my well being. I have to be strong. I have to be strong. I just got this amazing new job and my life is heading off in a good direction. I need to focus on me. I will go to court on February 6th. I want to know first hand if you accept the deal, I want to physically see if you are better. I was so scared to go to court before because if I saw you I didn't know how you would act.
But by February 6th it will have been 3 months. A lot can change in 90 days. I hope that if you see me there you will know that I love you, that I don't want you in jail. That I want to be able to talk to you.
I don't know I am a mess.

I will be okay. No matter what happens, no matter what you decide, no matter how you feel about me I will be okay. I will continue getting stronger and finding myself and bettering myself.
I do hope someday that the best version of myself and the best of yours can be together.
It's only been 1 month. I still love you so much and want you so much. and I feel like everyone in the world is finding love and living happily after and I wanted that and still want that so badly with you. I don't know how to love anyone else. I don't know how to stop loving and wanting you. Everything I read just says time time time time time.
I guess just one day at a time, I guess just taking things slowly and working hard and becoming the best version of myself is all I can and want to do.

I love you boo, I always will.

Night time is the worst

This bed, this room makes me think of you. Most of the time when I think of you it is fondly, all good memories, my heart is still filled with love for you. Then night time rolls around. I am alone in this room, in this bed and I start to think. I start to miss cuddling, miss the mind blowing sexual connection we had. I miss saying "I don't know what I would do without you" and you always responding "you never have too". I miss watching you sleep, holding and kissing you.
I miss being naked around you every time we were alone. That I felt most comfortable with you when I was naked and had no make up on. That I would wash your hair in the shower. The back massages you would give me that relaxed me so much I could easily fall asleep.

I know it will take a long time to stop missing you. You were my first love and I honestly believed I would spend my life with you.

2 years I spent with you. You still have my heart. I bought a new mattress today and the guy put his phone number on my receipt. I didn't even realize he was flirting with me. It was flattering I guess but the only reason I didn't throw it out was because I need that receipt.

I don't want to go out on dates. I don't want to meet somebody else. I do not ever want to go on a dating site.

I know right now I have to be alone. I have to be just me, On my own. I can't fathom the idea of liking someone let alone loving someone other than you.

I don't feel like I have anyone that can relate to this situation.

I feel like you are the only person who understands how this feels. How I feel.
I hate the idea of never hearing your voice again, never seeing your face.
Yet I am so scared to see it. Because I know I won't be able to stay away.

I bought myself a new amazingly comfortable queen size mattress today.
I start training for my new job December 15th,
My sister and I are looking at gyms on Monday.

Things are still getting better.
I am happy. I am enjoying my life. I am still sad but I am happy.

Exhaustion

I don't sleep nearly as much as I used too. I also do not eat nearly as much as I used too or enough to be healthy. I am not hungry or I just plan everything with food so poorly that I waste my money eating out and I things I don't even really want and throw them away. I work everyday. Some days I work two jobs. I am definitely working hard but I have worked myself into exhaustion. When I am off of work I am wired. I have always been that way but now I really need to get on a schedule and stick with it. I am not healthy and I really need to be.

My life has changed so drastically and I feel like in some aspects I am taking care of myself and doing what's best for me, something I haven't done in years. 

I was always worrying, thinking, trying to fix, him. I let him consume me and I know that is never what he wanted. I didn't know how to have a healthy relationship, I am not sure I still do.

Right now I know I have to make myself a 100% priority. I am at about 75%. I need to get adequate rest, eat more and eat healthy, exercise and really focus on working hard and self discipline, self respect and self love. 

I want to be the best version of myself. I want to be successful, healthy and happy. Even though my relationship ended and in such a catastrophic way, I feel happy. I feel like I finally see all the amazing people I have had around me all this time and that I am thinking completely for myself. I used to think about us, him; I spent all my free time with him and I loved every minute of it, but you cannot live your entire life that way. It wasn't healthy or sane and I didn't care for such a long time because I loved him, but loving someone cannot take over your entire life. 

I am going to focus on self care, friendships, trying new things, working hard, being honest, never forgetting what I have been through. Learning so I do not make the same mistakes over and over again.

In a way it feels like I am free. You never let me forget my mistakes and fuck ups and horrible things I did, you never believed I could change. You made me believe I was only good enough to be with someone who let me know everyday how badly I hurt them and destroyed them and how I was a bitch and mean. I am not innocent. I did horrible things. I can be a huge fucking bitch, I have been really mean to you before and I am not proud of it. But it always felt like you were trying to teach me a lesson, projecting all your hurt and pain back at me. It was a constant battle. I could never make up for anything I had done, you could never let it go, I hurt you again and everything resurfaced and the pain was more intense and the fights were worse. 

 3 weeks ago I was in my bed devastated that you were in jail, that I had to call the cops and get you in trouble. Now I am grateful you didn't seriously injure me and that I have done everything I can to get you help but also get myself out of that situation. 

It isn't okay to live like that. I don't know if that is how I made you feel, if I did that is horrible and I hate that you stayed and let yourself feel that way. 

The biggest problem is I wanted to spend my life with you, I wanted a lifetime with you and I put the blinders on for everything because of that. People are not supposed to fight everyday. People have to have trust. People cannot worry that their spouse is doing drugs or on dating sites, playing mind games. And I always let that you are bipolar and had a horrible life be the defense to all your behavior. You didn't trust me, you would wait outside of my work and follow me to my house to time how long I really was there because I was a liar and it drove you to insanity. But I always let myself think it was my fault. You had a choice. You had choices. You didn't have to be with me. You didn't have to make empty threats and just end up staying. Yes you tried breaking up with me but I always begged and fought or made it seem like I would understand if you could never see me again but I didn't. I always thought he will come back, we will get back together. It wasn't fair to you I know you were trying to get it together, but things were so messed up in your life and you were "dependent" on me. You were living in my parents house, using my credit cards and money. Which made you feel bad about yourself and made me feel bad because I just wanted to help but I couldn't help in a way that satisfied me or you. 

 I heard so many stories from you that I will never know the truth on. Yes I lied, I was a liar. It was how I had always been to protect myself and it got worse and worse and I wasn't strong enough to be honest and do it all on my own. 

The truth is you saved me.You really did. Being with you I learned so many life lessons, I grew up. I learned the value of honesty and trust. I learned that I have to love myself, battle and concur my demons before I will ever be able to love myself or another human being in the way I want. 

Acceptance. I understand that dwelling, whining, self pity, crying really get you no where. That you have to be honest and understand fully what you have done/ what has happened to grasp your feelings. And you have to let yourself really feel it all. And you can't forget what you felt. But then you have to say how can I make sure this never happens again, you have to really think and believe and decide. You have to really learn from your mistakes/downfalls/losses/fuck ups. You have to be willing to say I really messed up, this is what I did, this is what I feel, This is how I made others feel, this is how it affected my life and others, I never want this to happen again and I need to remember it all so I never do. I need to grow and blossom. All the things I have always said I would do I need to do. 

I know this new job is going to be amazing for me. It will open so many doors for my future and I know I will be great at it. I know it will be challenging and extremely rewarding. I believe in myself. I know I can do it. 

I want to work on talking out loud more. Articulating my thoughts with my voice and not on paper. I have always been the type of person to write until my brain was empty. But that isn't how you have friendships. 

You have to be willing to open up about yourself if you want close friendships.

I was so scared for so long that my family, my friends, my coworkers wouldn't like my boyfriend. I lost friends over our relationship, over choosing him. But also deep down I was scared that they would never understand because how the hell could I tell people the truth and justify it all. 

I didn't want to look bad, however I see now that this was something I had to experience. I had to have this roller coaster relationship. This insane passion and connection with someone. I will miss that the most. The way I could be myself with him. But again, I don't think I was ever fully "myself" because even for how close we were I kept so much in. 

Time heals a lot. The more time that goes by from when I kicked him in the head, from the night I cheated on him, from hiding talking to John I see that what I did was wrong but I feel I have learned from these incidents, I feel like I understand what I did and why I did them and that I don't like that I did them and who I was letting myself become. People don't change overnight, but I was changing yet you constantly questioned me. You questioned if I really was changing, Always wanting evidence and proof. 

I don't think the phrase "once a cheater always a cheater" is true. I think the problem is "once you cheat you will never be fully trusted in that relationship and it will never work" But I think you can go on and never cheat again. I used to cheat on tests, homework, procrastinate. Now I want to be this hard working and motivated force. I feel like it has always been there I just let it come and go. I never held on to or believed in my strength.

The truth is our relationship changed when I was blacked out drunk in that hotel that night, when I cheated on you. Because it took so long for me to really find out what happened. And I was in such denial. I didn't want to hurt you and be the bad guy. But I was. I should have let you go. 

I hate how hurt you are. I get a ball of anxiety so tight in my chest when I think about how much I have hurt you.

Now I see that you were so hurt from so many things before that. That all my mistakes and wrongdoings were so much more painful for you because it wasn't the first time. You had been hurt way too many times and my naive inexperienced self made you promises in the beginning to never hurt you. So not only did I cheat and lie, I broke the promises I made and it one too many broken promises over your lifetime.

I can't go to court on Friday because I cannot risk seeing you. Because I still love you so much and part of me is so scared that you will look at me with pure disgust and hate, and the other part of me is scared you'll look at me and still love me. 

At this point losing you forever is awful, but it isn't as scary as it was 3 weeks ago.

I don't know what is going to happen but this is the chapter of my life where I focus on myself. Where I grow and learn and blossom. This is the time for me to become the best version of me. 

I don't know what is going to happen with you and me. I don't know if I will have to go to court, if I will ever see you again, if I will get closure, If we will be friends, if we will still love each other and want a second shot. It would have to be completely different, everything would be different. I can't let myself think there is a chance that could happen. I cannot waste time imaging and fantasizing about what could be. I have to live in the now and in the now we are toxic for one another and cannot be together and I am focusing on me. 

I will always love you and I do miss you everyday. 

I hope you are really getting help, I hope you can have a healthy, happy and successful future. I still wish I could be apart of it but I also know the chances of that are near to impossible and can only focus on everything one day at a time. 

Trouble sleeping

I have to be at work at 8 am. I am having trouble sleeping. I cried a lot tonight thinking about you. This is our 2 year anniversary, or it would have been. I feel like I was so broken when you met me and instead of fixing myself I took you down with me; only you were so broken from Jess and your family that I took you over the edge. I took you to the point of explosion. I tried and tried to fix you, fix the damage, make it better, but I never could. I hate that I don't have you anymore, I hate that it's been 3 weeks and this incredible milestone is ruined. I hate that this is how it ends, I hate that this is how our story ends. I hate how much I hurt you in our story and I hate how much you hurt me back. My life is getting better. I am getting on track. It's hard and scary but exciting. I do feel alone in an independent way, a freedom I didn't have in our relationship. There were so many pro's to us and still many con's. I wish we could be on the same page but I know we are not right now. I know I am never supposed to be with you again, never see you again, "maybe you guys can be friends in like 10 years", but I don't know how to do that. How do I go from having you in my life everyday for 2 years to completely gone forever? I don't want that. I do not want you gone forever. Part of me told people so that if I wanted to be with you again they'd stop me. No one would ever respect me. But I don't know if I can respect myself without seeing you again, apologizing, getting closure. Maybe being friends I don't know how this works. There is a strong chance you will choose to never see me or hear from me again or that your dad will make you a deal and help you as long as you never see me or talk to me again.
The uncertainty eats at me. I hate not knowing what is happening. I don't want to get the extended order of protection from you. I don't want it but I also don't want you to hurt my dad. I don't know where you are, what you're feeling and how to process all of this and how to move forward. I know what everyone is telling me but I don't know if I can stomach getting an order of protection. I don't think I am strong enough to do it.
I don't know what I want. I want to stop worrying and thinking so much. I want you to except the plea deal. I want you to be happy.

I hate feeling that this is the end. This is the worst ending I could have imagined. I really loved you so much. I still do and I really miss you

Tomorrow would have been our two year anniversary

Three weeks ago I would have been planning a day with you. I would have wanted to do whatever I could to show you that two years with you were the best thing that ever happened too me. It's amazing what can happen in 3 weeks, it feels like a lifetime. 

In the past 3 weeks without you I have recovered from my wisdom teeth surgery, I have gotten a terrible cold, the flu, a sinus infection and a terrible reaction to my medication.

I opened up to a few girls about what happened and finally feel like I have friends.

I started a new job in a preschool during the day while working nights at the restaurant.

I got an interview for my dream job, landed it, got hired and start training for my new job in a week and a half.

Had an amazing Thanksgiving with my parents, sisters and my amazing grandparents. 

Have slept every night without, Finally stopped having nightmares about you.

At first I worried about you, wanted to talk to you; emailed you, facebook messaged you, tried to message you on a dating site, made a profile on a dating site and someone recognized me and asked me if it was me or if someone stole my picture. Now I realize that I cannot talk to you. That I have to let you get help or not get help and deal with what the law will bring to you. I have to accept that you may hate me and blame me for the rest of your life. That I may never get closure with you.

At first I wanted you back so badly. Now all I want is for you to accept the plea deal. I don't know what is going to happen and I have stopped trying to predict and control it. I have to accept that I may never see or hear from you again.

I don't know if you'll ever see this but I just want you to be happy and healthy and get to do what you love in life; work on cars and move back to California. 

I still miss you terribly and love you and you will always be my first love.

I can't imagine myself with anyone else. It's so hard to think of myself as "single" but I guess I am single... All I am doing is focusing on work, my new career, my future career plans and goals. 

I hope you can do the same.

I love you Boo

Seeing things a little more clearly

It has been 2 weeks since the fight, since the police and since I have last talked too you. Two long weeks, two weeks where so much has changed. I went from being obsessed with you, dependent on you, always with you to alone. I have talked about what happened, opened up to people, worked a new job, gotten an opportunity to interview for my dream job. I see now that things were so dysfunctional for so long. That you should have left me when I hurt you. You should have called the police because what I did to you wasn't fair. That I have come a long way from the girl who kicked you over and over in the head, That I abused you and hurt you, cheated on you and lied to you. That I have changed and grown up and that I am getting better but I justified everything you did because I hurt you so badly. I took responsibility and defended you and wanted to fix you. I couldn't do it. You needed to get help and fix you.  I am so sorry for all of the pain that I caused you. I see now that you should have walked away because I just begged and begged and begged for more chances, but you were forever changed inside. I hurt you so deep that you could never forgive me. Maybe you did not realize it or did not want to believe it. You have needed help for a very long time and I hope now you are getting it and accepting the help.  You deserve to live, you deserve someone who doesn't black out and hurt you. I damaged you when you were so damaged already. I have never loved someone before and I see now what I did to you was so wrong. I see how weak you were to not stand up for your self. I hate that. I hate that you didn't have the strength or self love to walk away and never look back. Our relationship was chaos and dysfunction and there was good but so much fighting and hurt and pain.. I love you so much and I hate you for what you did. I hate that you hurt me, that you left me with no choice but to call the police and walk away. I loved you so much and I wanted to marry you, I wanted you to get it together. I wanted you so badly I was blinded..You needed help and you kept doing things that were red flags and I ignored it and just loved you and let this happen. But I hate that you left me with no choice. I had to walk away, get an order of protection against you. I miss you so much and I hate that I can't be with you. Shauna told me you realize you can never be with him again because the next time he could kill you. But I hurt him and I still believe people can change. I believe he is good and can get help and change. I think we are toxic for each other and that I destroyed him and he was so damaged and hurt and he lost it and destroyed me.
Well I am not destroyed. I am a little bit broken but I know I will be alright. Two weeks and I already feel less desperate. I feel like I have the strength to stay away. I don't know if that will be forever but right now I finally have the strength to stop trying to contact him and focus on me.

I am going to be okay.
I am going to get this dream job.
I am going to change lives.
I am going to change my life.
I am going to be okay.
I will make it.
I will be okay and no matter what happens with him I will know it isn't on me.
You have to take responsibility for your actions.
I wish I had taken responsibility for mine.
I wish you would have called the police and gotten away from me.
Because now everything is a mess and your life is all chaos.
But it has been for so long.
But all of this happened so long ago.
You were never the same after that.
I destroyed you.
I am so sorry.
I am trying not to feel responsible because you should have walked away
but I begged and begged you to stay and you didnt press charges.
I hate myself for that.
I am so sorry.
I will always love you.
You changed me for the better
I never want to hurt another person again.
I am so sorry for everything.
I wish it didn't end like this.
I wish you weren't alone.
I wish you would accept help.
I have no control over you.
all I can control is myself
I have to be strong. I have to stop blaming myself. I have to learn from this and change and grow.
I have to make sure I never hurt someone like this again
I also have to make sure I never let someone hurt me like this again.

I miss you so much right now

I got all the court documents. I don't know how you are feeling/ where you are. I don't know if you know what's going on. I hate that I can't talk to you. I want to call you so badly. I want to hear your voice. I want to know how you are. Everyone is telling me this will all be over soon snd I'll be able to move on, but I wont, because you are the only person I love. I know who you really are and its not the person I saw last Monday night. It's been 10 days since I have seen you, heard from you. That is longest we have ever gone in 2 years.
I don't know how to get it together. I can't sleep without you. I can't fucking sleep. I look for you every night. I hate it so much. I wish all of this never happened. I just want to hold you and tell you I love you and forget the rest of the world for a minute. That's what is killing me. I can't get you out of my head the last time I saw you. But I dream about you every night. I think about you all the time. I worked both jobs today and it was such a long day and on the way home pulling into my neighborhood I burst into tears realizing the only person I want to talk to about my day isn't here. I just wish I could talk to you.