Trouble sleeping

I have to be at work at 8 am. I am having trouble sleeping. I cried a lot tonight thinking about you. This is our 2 year anniversary, or it would have been. I feel like I was so broken when you met me and instead of fixing myself I took you down with me; only you were so broken from Jess and your family that I took you over the edge. I took you to the point of explosion. I tried and tried to fix you, fix the damage, make it better, but I never could. I hate that I don't have you anymore, I hate that it's been 3 weeks and this incredible milestone is ruined. I hate that this is how it ends, I hate that this is how our story ends. I hate how much I hurt you in our story and I hate how much you hurt me back. My life is getting better. I am getting on track. It's hard and scary but exciting. I do feel alone in an independent way, a freedom I didn't have in our relationship. There were so many pro's to us and still many con's. I wish we could be on the same page but I know we are not right now. I know I am never supposed to be with you again, never see you again, "maybe you guys can be friends in like 10 years", but I don't know how to do that. How do I go from having you in my life everyday for 2 years to completely gone forever? I don't want that. I do not want you gone forever. Part of me told people so that if I wanted to be with you again they'd stop me. No one would ever respect me. But I don't know if I can respect myself without seeing you again, apologizing, getting closure. Maybe being friends I don't know how this works. There is a strong chance you will choose to never see me or hear from me again or that your dad will make you a deal and help you as long as you never see me or talk to me again.
The uncertainty eats at me. I hate not knowing what is happening. I don't want to get the extended order of protection from you. I don't want it but I also don't want you to hurt my dad. I don't know where you are, what you're feeling and how to process all of this and how to move forward. I know what everyone is telling me but I don't know if I can stomach getting an order of protection. I don't think I am strong enough to do it.
I don't know what I want. I want to stop worrying and thinking so much. I want you to except the plea deal. I want you to be happy.

I hate feeling that this is the end. This is the worst ending I could have imagined. I really loved you so much. I still do and I really miss you

Tomorrow would have been our two year anniversary

Three weeks ago I would have been planning a day with you. I would have wanted to do whatever I could to show you that two years with you were the best thing that ever happened too me. It's amazing what can happen in 3 weeks, it feels like a lifetime. 

In the past 3 weeks without you I have recovered from my wisdom teeth surgery, I have gotten a terrible cold, the flu, a sinus infection and a terrible reaction to my medication.

I opened up to a few girls about what happened and finally feel like I have friends.

I started a new job in a preschool during the day while working nights at the restaurant.

I got an interview for my dream job, landed it, got hired and start training for my new job in a week and a half.

Had an amazing Thanksgiving with my parents, sisters and my amazing grandparents. 

Have slept every night without, Finally stopped having nightmares about you.

At first I worried about you, wanted to talk to you; emailed you, facebook messaged you, tried to message you on a dating site, made a profile on a dating site and someone recognized me and asked me if it was me or if someone stole my picture. Now I realize that I cannot talk to you. That I have to let you get help or not get help and deal with what the law will bring to you. I have to accept that you may hate me and blame me for the rest of your life. That I may never get closure with you.

At first I wanted you back so badly. Now all I want is for you to accept the plea deal. I don't know what is going to happen and I have stopped trying to predict and control it. I have to accept that I may never see or hear from you again.

I don't know if you'll ever see this but I just want you to be happy and healthy and get to do what you love in life; work on cars and move back to California. 

I still miss you terribly and love you and you will always be my first love.

I can't imagine myself with anyone else. It's so hard to think of myself as "single" but I guess I am single... All I am doing is focusing on work, my new career, my future career plans and goals. 

I hope you can do the same.

I love you Boo

I can't sleep

Not the way I used too. Last night was the longest I slept through the night, 1 am to 5:30. I woke up having a dream about us. We were in a motel killing ourselves together. We were giving each other different pills. The room was a mess and I kept thinking I should be scared, I should want my stomach pumped. I don't know if I called 911 but I started thinking I have to trick him and get his stomach pumped and I kept hoping there was a way I could be unconscious while mine was being pumped. Then I woke up at 5:30. I've been trying to fall back asleep for 2 hours but I can't. I work both jobs today, I'm scared I'm going to be a mess.
I miss you so much. I miss talking you and cuddling with you. I hate this bed, I hate this room and I hate Night time without you. I wonder where you are, what you're doing, how you are feeling, how you feel about me. Legally I keep making your life worse. I don't want to make it worse. I just want too see you and hear your voice. I want you to know how often I think of you and how much I love you.
I don't know how too function right now. My body can't get it together. I'm exhausted and can never sleep more than a few hours. I take my klonopin and I have even added melatonin but nothing works. I don't feel safe, I feel so alone. I miss my other half so much. I miss you so much. It's not getting easier. I have so much anxiety about the court dates, seeing you, all the uncertainty. I fucking hate this. I hate this so much

I miss him so much

I miss him so much it hurts. It hits me in waves, the worst in the evening. Night time was our time together. We watched netflux, talked about our days, planned the future. I can't stand to be in this room. I am all alone. I had plans and dreams of a life with him and now it's all gone. I hate this room, this bed without him. This was our space and now it's gone. I wish I could make this right. Well actually I don't know if I could, I just hate that I had a life time of plans and dreams and Now they are gone. Why did it have to end so badly? I still have paperwork to fill out snd write my side of the story. I don't want this to be happening. I have no control. It'd supposed to be in my control but it isnt. There is an investigation and a judge will decide everything. I just miss my boo. I miss his smile and us popping pimples. Getting fast food late at night. Showering together. Promising to be with each other for ever. I'd say I don't know what I would do without you and he would say you never have too. We would say we couldn't wait to marry each other, that I never wanted to be naked for anyone but him. That I was the girl of his fantasies and that no one could make him feel the way I do. I don't know how to live a happy life without him. I keep watching criminal minds because it's the only show I have been watching without him. I can't watch sons of anarchy or the killing because it was what we watched together.

I just wish I had my partner back.
Everything is so hard and I just wish I could hug him and cry in his arms.

I hate my life without him.
I am trying. I am going to move forward.
I just hope this isn't the end. I hope that
After the court business is over I hope I get a chance to talk to him. I just don't want our last conversation to be him standing over my bed telling me I ruined everything, that I am the worst thing that has ever happened to him and that he hates me. His sister in law read my messages and never responded. I know my connection with his family is over. I just hope something can be changed. I just don't want 2 years to end like this...