Trouble sleeping

I have to be at work at 8 am. I am having trouble sleeping. I cried a lot tonight thinking about you. This is our 2 year anniversary, or it would have been. I feel like I was so broken when you met me and instead of fixing myself I took you down with me; only you were so broken from Jess and your family that I took you over the edge. I took you to the point of explosion. I tried and tried to fix you, fix the damage, make it better, but I never could. I hate that I don't have you anymore, I hate that it's been 3 weeks and this incredible milestone is ruined. I hate that this is how it ends, I hate that this is how our story ends. I hate how much I hurt you in our story and I hate how much you hurt me back. My life is getting better. I am getting on track. It's hard and scary but exciting. I do feel alone in an independent way, a freedom I didn't have in our relationship. There were so many pro's to us and still many con's. I wish we could be on the same page but I know we are not right now. I know I am never supposed to be with you again, never see you again, "maybe you guys can be friends in like 10 years", but I don't know how to do that. How do I go from having you in my life everyday for 2 years to completely gone forever? I don't want that. I do not want you gone forever. Part of me told people so that if I wanted to be with you again they'd stop me. No one would ever respect me. But I don't know if I can respect myself without seeing you again, apologizing, getting closure. Maybe being friends I don't know how this works. There is a strong chance you will choose to never see me or hear from me again or that your dad will make you a deal and help you as long as you never see me or talk to me again.
The uncertainty eats at me. I hate not knowing what is happening. I don't want to get the extended order of protection from you. I don't want it but I also don't want you to hurt my dad. I don't know where you are, what you're feeling and how to process all of this and how to move forward. I know what everyone is telling me but I don't know if I can stomach getting an order of protection. I don't think I am strong enough to do it.
I don't know what I want. I want to stop worrying and thinking so much. I want you to except the plea deal. I want you to be happy.

I hate feeling that this is the end. This is the worst ending I could have imagined. I really loved you so much. I still do and I really miss you

I can't sleep

Not the way I used too. Last night was the longest I slept through the night, 1 am to 5:30. I woke up having a dream about us. We were in a motel killing ourselves together. We were giving each other different pills. The room was a mess and I kept thinking I should be scared, I should want my stomach pumped. I don't know if I called 911 but I started thinking I have to trick him and get his stomach pumped and I kept hoping there was a way I could be unconscious while mine was being pumped. Then I woke up at 5:30. I've been trying to fall back asleep for 2 hours but I can't. I work both jobs today, I'm scared I'm going to be a mess.
I miss you so much. I miss talking you and cuddling with you. I hate this bed, I hate this room and I hate Night time without you. I wonder where you are, what you're doing, how you are feeling, how you feel about me. Legally I keep making your life worse. I don't want to make it worse. I just want too see you and hear your voice. I want you to know how often I think of you and how much I love you.
I don't know how too function right now. My body can't get it together. I'm exhausted and can never sleep more than a few hours. I take my klonopin and I have even added melatonin but nothing works. I don't feel safe, I feel so alone. I miss my other half so much. I miss you so much. It's not getting easier. I have so much anxiety about the court dates, seeing you, all the uncertainty. I fucking hate this. I hate this so much

Dear alec, I want you to know

That because of you I will never hurt someone again. That I am spilling our the truth and being honest like I was always meant to be. That every time I think of love I think of you. That you were my first love, the one that got away, the one I had to lose to learn. I am truly sorry that you had to be my lesson, it was never fair to you. I was never meant to be in a relationship I was too messed up and I took it all out on you. I hate how I hurt you but I am using that hate to fuel this desire to be better. I want to be the person you deserved. I will be honest and caring and hard working. I will set goals and stop making excuses and achieve them. You will be my incentive for wverything. I want you to know your love changed me forever. That no one will due. That you made me feel like I was a princess and beautiful, you made me see I was creative and really smart. You pushed me and never let me get away with bullshit. You changed me in the best ways. You have made me and better person and I need you to know I will love you forever for that. you were the only one who stood up for me and helped me stop drinking. You saved my life. It's so hard to believe how badly things ended when I think of all the good you did for me. I know I was good for you, but not all the time, and that I did too many bad things to ever make you see that I was good. You told me right from the start what you couldn't accept or handle and I did all of them. Two deserved better and I am so sorry for all the hurt, pain and sadness I caused you. I hope you are getting help. Because when you are stable you are a fucking rock star and I can't imagine a world without you could ever be a good place. Even if I never get the chance to talk to you I will write to you and hopefully someday track you down and send them to you. If I never get to be a part of your life again I hope I get a proper goodbye.
Love you always and forever
Your boo

I miss him so much

I miss him so much it hurts. It hits me in waves, the worst in the evening. Night time was our time together. We watched netflux, talked about our days, planned the future. I can't stand to be in this room. I am all alone. I had plans and dreams of a life with him and now it's all gone. I hate this room, this bed without him. This was our space and now it's gone. I wish I could make this right. Well actually I don't know if I could, I just hate that I had a life time of plans and dreams and Now they are gone. Why did it have to end so badly? I still have paperwork to fill out snd write my side of the story. I don't want this to be happening. I have no control. It'd supposed to be in my control but it isnt. There is an investigation and a judge will decide everything. I just miss my boo. I miss his smile and us popping pimples. Getting fast food late at night. Showering together. Promising to be with each other for ever. I'd say I don't know what I would do without you and he would say you never have too. We would say we couldn't wait to marry each other, that I never wanted to be naked for anyone but him. That I was the girl of his fantasies and that no one could make him feel the way I do. I don't know how to live a happy life without him. I keep watching criminal minds because it's the only show I have been watching without him. I can't watch sons of anarchy or the killing because it was what we watched together.

I just wish I had my partner back.
Everything is so hard and I just wish I could hug him and cry in his arms.

I hate my life without him.
I am trying. I am going to move forward.
I just hope this isn't the end. I hope that
After the court business is over I hope I get a chance to talk to him. I just don't want our last conversation to be him standing over my bed telling me I ruined everything, that I am the worst thing that has ever happened to him and that he hates me. His sister in law read my messages and never responded. I know my connection with his family is over. I just hope something can be changed. I just don't want 2 years to end like this...

Getting over him day 4

I am using this blog as a way to get over a very very bad break up.. we have been together on and off for 2 years. Things were a mess from the beginning. I was drinking every weekend and blacking out. I cheated on hin. Verbally abused him. Physically assaulted him and never knew what had happened. I would get drunk and black out and forget I had a boyfriend and try to leave with strangers. It took me a long time to go into treatment and it was mainly due to him begging me. Also i attacked him really badly, I kicked him in the head many times and gave him a concussion. I should have been arrested for it and I wasn't; I feel a lot of guilt now that i wasn't punished for hurting him and he is now for hurting me. Things were starting to get better but he was bipolar type 2 rapid cycling. He would get unstable and freak out and break up with me. He did on valentine's day. I met a guy in my progam. I went to two groups in one day and he was there. We started texting and he told me I was beautiful and that he only came that day to see me. He called me babe and finally after he said that I told him I had a boyfriend and set boundaries. We talked secretly for almost a month and I almost hung out with him once but I didn't. I liked that he didn't hate me and thought I was courageous for getting treatment and that he didn't know the horrible things I had done. I hid it from Alec and it ended with a huge fight.He confronted the guy John and it ended with him never having any trust or faith in me again. Things constantly went wrong and he always brought up every past mistake I had made and how I had ruined him. He said he couldn't get over everything until he knew every detail. He wanted to talk about the cheating and every lie in full detail- what I was thinking. Why I did it. What happened in my past. He told me we would never work until I worked on all of my issues. Yes I have never had a healthy relationship with any man, I thought Alec was the exception. Sexually it was healthy. He never pressured me. Made me feel like a princess. It was always about connecting on a higher level. It was never just sex with him.. I usually started crying I was so happy and felt so safe and loved with him. He did love me and before I really hurt him he was an amazing guy. Any moment he was stable he was an amazing guy. I truly thought I was going to marry him. I thought we were going to get an apartment and save money, move to San Francisco and grow old together. Now I have to go to court 2 times, have an order of protection against him. I lost my best and only friend. My family is smothering me and my therapist is happy I'm single and so is my family. I never wanted things to get so crazy. I wanted things to be okay. I have to figure out how to move on. He was my first love, everyone thinks they will marry their first love. He couldn't find a job, he was living in my parents home, there was constant tension and nothing I did would help anything. He was just so far hone/ so sad/depressed /heartbroken and I couldn't do anything to fix it. I wanted to fix him so badly. I wanted to make ammends. Change everything. I thought that 7 months passing from Alec finding out I was talking to John would be enough time to move forward. He just couldn't
 I knew deep down he was never going to get passed anything I did but I didn't want to believe it. I wanted to make it. I wanted to be the couple that could over come it all. Now I an just Another statistic. I'm another case number. Another girl who let her relationship get so far out of hand it ended in violence. Now I lost him, his family, I lost my future plans. I have to start over. My old friends made me choose him or them and I chose him in a heartbeat. I don't want to go back to them because why would I want to be friends with people that made me chose. Also they liked me better when I was drinking and encouraged me to drink until I blacked out. So now it's me and my thoughts. I go from crying to numb to confused to sad to numb to depressed. It's such a mess and until it's all done and out of court it will be a mess. I don't want him in more trouble. It's out of my hands now. So many people are involved. I wish this wasn't happening. I wish this was a bad dream I could wake up trom. I wake up every few hours. I dream about him constantly. I miss him so much. I shared my life, so much of my life with him. He lived with me in the room I sleep in, I shared everything with him. The bed I sleep in alone now used to be ours. It's all gone. It didn't have to be this way. He blames me I'm sure. But the things he said really scared me this time and I really thought he would follow through with what he said.

I justify the way he treated me because I hurt him so badly and treated him horribly first.  I lied and cheated and hurt him emotionally and physically. Most of this was done in the beginning of the relationship, mostly done under the influence of so much alcohol I didn't know my name. I don't want to make excuses because I did all of those thing's, It's harder for me to connect to it when I cannot remember. Also he still stayed with me. If it was all too much he should have left. He did break up with me but we always got back together and we both wanted to make it work so badly. We wanted the love to be enough. I wish it could have been.

How do I move on?
How do I fill my time?
How do I make friends without them feeling sorry for me?
How do I move forward?
I need serious help. I am so alone and so lost.
Please someone help me

#HELP #BREAKUP #ADVICE #BADBREAKUP #SINGLE #DEPRESSED #SCARED#ALONE