Tomorrow would have been our two year anniversary

Three weeks ago I would have been planning a day with you. I would have wanted to do whatever I could to show you that two years with you were the best thing that ever happened too me. It's amazing what can happen in 3 weeks, it feels like a lifetime. 

In the past 3 weeks without you I have recovered from my wisdom teeth surgery, I have gotten a terrible cold, the flu, a sinus infection and a terrible reaction to my medication.

I opened up to a few girls about what happened and finally feel like I have friends.

I started a new job in a preschool during the day while working nights at the restaurant.

I got an interview for my dream job, landed it, got hired and start training for my new job in a week and a half.

Had an amazing Thanksgiving with my parents, sisters and my amazing grandparents. 

Have slept every night without, Finally stopped having nightmares about you.

At first I worried about you, wanted to talk to you; emailed you, facebook messaged you, tried to message you on a dating site, made a profile on a dating site and someone recognized me and asked me if it was me or if someone stole my picture. Now I realize that I cannot talk to you. That I have to let you get help or not get help and deal with what the law will bring to you. I have to accept that you may hate me and blame me for the rest of your life. That I may never get closure with you.

At first I wanted you back so badly. Now all I want is for you to accept the plea deal. I don't know what is going to happen and I have stopped trying to predict and control it. I have to accept that I may never see or hear from you again.

I don't know if you'll ever see this but I just want you to be happy and healthy and get to do what you love in life; work on cars and move back to California. 

I still miss you terribly and love you and you will always be my first love.

I can't imagine myself with anyone else. It's so hard to think of myself as "single" but I guess I am single... All I am doing is focusing on work, my new career, my future career plans and goals. 

I hope you can do the same.

I love you Boo

Dear alec, I want you to know

That because of you I will never hurt someone again. That I am spilling our the truth and being honest like I was always meant to be. That every time I think of love I think of you. That you were my first love, the one that got away, the one I had to lose to learn. I am truly sorry that you had to be my lesson, it was never fair to you. I was never meant to be in a relationship I was too messed up and I took it all out on you. I hate how I hurt you but I am using that hate to fuel this desire to be better. I want to be the person you deserved. I will be honest and caring and hard working. I will set goals and stop making excuses and achieve them. You will be my incentive for wverything. I want you to know your love changed me forever. That no one will due. That you made me feel like I was a princess and beautiful, you made me see I was creative and really smart. You pushed me and never let me get away with bullshit. You changed me in the best ways. You have made me and better person and I need you to know I will love you forever for that. you were the only one who stood up for me and helped me stop drinking. You saved my life. It's so hard to believe how badly things ended when I think of all the good you did for me. I know I was good for you, but not all the time, and that I did too many bad things to ever make you see that I was good. You told me right from the start what you couldn't accept or handle and I did all of them. Two deserved better and I am so sorry for all the hurt, pain and sadness I caused you. I hope you are getting help. Because when you are stable you are a fucking rock star and I can't imagine a world without you could ever be a good place. Even if I never get the chance to talk to you I will write to you and hopefully someday track you down and send them to you. If I never get to be a part of your life again I hope I get a proper goodbye.
Love you always and forever
Your boo