Tomorrow would have been our two year anniversary

Three weeks ago I would have been planning a day with you. I would have wanted to do whatever I could to show you that two years with you were the best thing that ever happened too me. It's amazing what can happen in 3 weeks, it feels like a lifetime. 

In the past 3 weeks without you I have recovered from my wisdom teeth surgery, I have gotten a terrible cold, the flu, a sinus infection and a terrible reaction to my medication.

I opened up to a few girls about what happened and finally feel like I have friends.

I started a new job in a preschool during the day while working nights at the restaurant.

I got an interview for my dream job, landed it, got hired and start training for my new job in a week and a half.

Had an amazing Thanksgiving with my parents, sisters and my amazing grandparents. 

Have slept every night without, Finally stopped having nightmares about you.

At first I worried about you, wanted to talk to you; emailed you, facebook messaged you, tried to message you on a dating site, made a profile on a dating site and someone recognized me and asked me if it was me or if someone stole my picture. Now I realize that I cannot talk to you. That I have to let you get help or not get help and deal with what the law will bring to you. I have to accept that you may hate me and blame me for the rest of your life. That I may never get closure with you.

At first I wanted you back so badly. Now all I want is for you to accept the plea deal. I don't know what is going to happen and I have stopped trying to predict and control it. I have to accept that I may never see or hear from you again.

I don't know if you'll ever see this but I just want you to be happy and healthy and get to do what you love in life; work on cars and move back to California. 

I still miss you terribly and love you and you will always be my first love.

I can't imagine myself with anyone else. It's so hard to think of myself as "single" but I guess I am single... All I am doing is focusing on work, my new career, my future career plans and goals. 

I hope you can do the same.

I love you Boo

Sunday, changes are coming

Today was the first day I smiled. Two girls I work with invited me over to paint with them. vick got a town home with her boyfriend and in the second bedroom they wanted a mural/friends to paint on the wall. I talked to jamie, vick and Jess  (vick best friend) they really helped me see how unhealthy mine and Alec's relationship became. They listened, gave advice, made me finally feel like I wasn't alone. I do miss him so much. I listened to the first voice mail he left me from new years 2013 he was so different. He was happy, excited. That's who I fell in love with. I wish he was still that guy. I hope and pray I can get that guy back someday. I hope I get a chance to talk to him, get real closure. I miss him being close to me, I miss the sex, I miss the way he made me laugh and feel do beautiful.
The pictures, one is of the mural and one is of my part of the mural. It helped me so much today. Girls day, art, painting. I finally have a little glimpse of feeling good. It was nice. I feel like I am going to be okay. 

I hope someday I get a chance to talk to him. I hope I get that chance.

I miss him so much

I miss him so much it hurts. It hits me in waves, the worst in the evening. Night time was our time together. We watched netflux, talked about our days, planned the future. I can't stand to be in this room. I am all alone. I had plans and dreams of a life with him and now it's all gone. I hate this room, this bed without him. This was our space and now it's gone. I wish I could make this right. Well actually I don't know if I could, I just hate that I had a life time of plans and dreams and Now they are gone. Why did it have to end so badly? I still have paperwork to fill out snd write my side of the story. I don't want this to be happening. I have no control. It'd supposed to be in my control but it isnt. There is an investigation and a judge will decide everything. I just miss my boo. I miss his smile and us popping pimples. Getting fast food late at night. Showering together. Promising to be with each other for ever. I'd say I don't know what I would do without you and he would say you never have too. We would say we couldn't wait to marry each other, that I never wanted to be naked for anyone but him. That I was the girl of his fantasies and that no one could make him feel the way I do. I don't know how to live a happy life without him. I keep watching criminal minds because it's the only show I have been watching without him. I can't watch sons of anarchy or the killing because it was what we watched together.

I just wish I had my partner back.
Everything is so hard and I just wish I could hug him and cry in his arms.

I hate my life without him.
I am trying. I am going to move forward.
I just hope this isn't the end. I hope that
After the court business is over I hope I get a chance to talk to him. I just don't want our last conversation to be him standing over my bed telling me I ruined everything, that I am the worst thing that has ever happened to him and that he hates me. His sister in law read my messages and never responded. I know my connection with his family is over. I just hope something can be changed. I just don't want 2 years to end like this...

Getting over him day 4

I am using this blog as a way to get over a very very bad break up.. we have been together on and off for 2 years. Things were a mess from the beginning. I was drinking every weekend and blacking out. I cheated on hin. Verbally abused him. Physically assaulted him and never knew what had happened. I would get drunk and black out and forget I had a boyfriend and try to leave with strangers. It took me a long time to go into treatment and it was mainly due to him begging me. Also i attacked him really badly, I kicked him in the head many times and gave him a concussion. I should have been arrested for it and I wasn't; I feel a lot of guilt now that i wasn't punished for hurting him and he is now for hurting me. Things were starting to get better but he was bipolar type 2 rapid cycling. He would get unstable and freak out and break up with me. He did on valentine's day. I met a guy in my progam. I went to two groups in one day and he was there. We started texting and he told me I was beautiful and that he only came that day to see me. He called me babe and finally after he said that I told him I had a boyfriend and set boundaries. We talked secretly for almost a month and I almost hung out with him once but I didn't. I liked that he didn't hate me and thought I was courageous for getting treatment and that he didn't know the horrible things I had done. I hid it from Alec and it ended with a huge fight.He confronted the guy John and it ended with him never having any trust or faith in me again. Things constantly went wrong and he always brought up every past mistake I had made and how I had ruined him. He said he couldn't get over everything until he knew every detail. He wanted to talk about the cheating and every lie in full detail- what I was thinking. Why I did it. What happened in my past. He told me we would never work until I worked on all of my issues. Yes I have never had a healthy relationship with any man, I thought Alec was the exception. Sexually it was healthy. He never pressured me. Made me feel like a princess. It was always about connecting on a higher level. It was never just sex with him.. I usually started crying I was so happy and felt so safe and loved with him. He did love me and before I really hurt him he was an amazing guy. Any moment he was stable he was an amazing guy. I truly thought I was going to marry him. I thought we were going to get an apartment and save money, move to San Francisco and grow old together. Now I have to go to court 2 times, have an order of protection against him. I lost my best and only friend. My family is smothering me and my therapist is happy I'm single and so is my family. I never wanted things to get so crazy. I wanted things to be okay. I have to figure out how to move on. He was my first love, everyone thinks they will marry their first love. He couldn't find a job, he was living in my parents home, there was constant tension and nothing I did would help anything. He was just so far hone/ so sad/depressed /heartbroken and I couldn't do anything to fix it. I wanted to fix him so badly. I wanted to make ammends. Change everything. I thought that 7 months passing from Alec finding out I was talking to John would be enough time to move forward. He just couldn't
 I knew deep down he was never going to get passed anything I did but I didn't want to believe it. I wanted to make it. I wanted to be the couple that could over come it all. Now I an just Another statistic. I'm another case number. Another girl who let her relationship get so far out of hand it ended in violence. Now I lost him, his family, I lost my future plans. I have to start over. My old friends made me choose him or them and I chose him in a heartbeat. I don't want to go back to them because why would I want to be friends with people that made me chose. Also they liked me better when I was drinking and encouraged me to drink until I blacked out. So now it's me and my thoughts. I go from crying to numb to confused to sad to numb to depressed. It's such a mess and until it's all done and out of court it will be a mess. I don't want him in more trouble. It's out of my hands now. So many people are involved. I wish this wasn't happening. I wish this was a bad dream I could wake up trom. I wake up every few hours. I dream about him constantly. I miss him so much. I shared my life, so much of my life with him. He lived with me in the room I sleep in, I shared everything with him. The bed I sleep in alone now used to be ours. It's all gone. It didn't have to be this way. He blames me I'm sure. But the things he said really scared me this time and I really thought he would follow through with what he said.

I justify the way he treated me because I hurt him so badly and treated him horribly first.  I lied and cheated and hurt him emotionally and physically. Most of this was done in the beginning of the relationship, mostly done under the influence of so much alcohol I didn't know my name. I don't want to make excuses because I did all of those thing's, It's harder for me to connect to it when I cannot remember. Also he still stayed with me. If it was all too much he should have left. He did break up with me but we always got back together and we both wanted to make it work so badly. We wanted the love to be enough. I wish it could have been.

How do I move on?
How do I fill my time?
How do I make friends without them feeling sorry for me?
How do I move forward?
I need serious help. I am so alone and so lost.
Please someone help me

#HELP #BREAKUP #ADVICE #BADBREAKUP #SINGLE #DEPRESSED #SCARED#ALONE