Trouble sleeping

I have to be at work at 8 am. I am having trouble sleeping. I cried a lot tonight thinking about you. This is our 2 year anniversary, or it would have been. I feel like I was so broken when you met me and instead of fixing myself I took you down with me; only you were so broken from Jess and your family that I took you over the edge. I took you to the point of explosion. I tried and tried to fix you, fix the damage, make it better, but I never could. I hate that I don't have you anymore, I hate that it's been 3 weeks and this incredible milestone is ruined. I hate that this is how it ends, I hate that this is how our story ends. I hate how much I hurt you in our story and I hate how much you hurt me back. My life is getting better. I am getting on track. It's hard and scary but exciting. I do feel alone in an independent way, a freedom I didn't have in our relationship. There were so many pro's to us and still many con's. I wish we could be on the same page but I know we are not right now. I know I am never supposed to be with you again, never see you again, "maybe you guys can be friends in like 10 years", but I don't know how to do that. How do I go from having you in my life everyday for 2 years to completely gone forever? I don't want that. I do not want you gone forever. Part of me told people so that if I wanted to be with you again they'd stop me. No one would ever respect me. But I don't know if I can respect myself without seeing you again, apologizing, getting closure. Maybe being friends I don't know how this works. There is a strong chance you will choose to never see me or hear from me again or that your dad will make you a deal and help you as long as you never see me or talk to me again.
The uncertainty eats at me. I hate not knowing what is happening. I don't want to get the extended order of protection from you. I don't want it but I also don't want you to hurt my dad. I don't know where you are, what you're feeling and how to process all of this and how to move forward. I know what everyone is telling me but I don't know if I can stomach getting an order of protection. I don't think I am strong enough to do it.
I don't know what I want. I want to stop worrying and thinking so much. I want you to except the plea deal. I want you to be happy.

I hate feeling that this is the end. This is the worst ending I could have imagined. I really loved you so much. I still do and I really miss you

Tomorrow would have been our two year anniversary

Three weeks ago I would have been planning a day with you. I would have wanted to do whatever I could to show you that two years with you were the best thing that ever happened too me. It's amazing what can happen in 3 weeks, it feels like a lifetime. 

In the past 3 weeks without you I have recovered from my wisdom teeth surgery, I have gotten a terrible cold, the flu, a sinus infection and a terrible reaction to my medication.

I opened up to a few girls about what happened and finally feel like I have friends.

I started a new job in a preschool during the day while working nights at the restaurant.

I got an interview for my dream job, landed it, got hired and start training for my new job in a week and a half.

Had an amazing Thanksgiving with my parents, sisters and my amazing grandparents. 

Have slept every night without, Finally stopped having nightmares about you.

At first I worried about you, wanted to talk to you; emailed you, facebook messaged you, tried to message you on a dating site, made a profile on a dating site and someone recognized me and asked me if it was me or if someone stole my picture. Now I realize that I cannot talk to you. That I have to let you get help or not get help and deal with what the law will bring to you. I have to accept that you may hate me and blame me for the rest of your life. That I may never get closure with you.

At first I wanted you back so badly. Now all I want is for you to accept the plea deal. I don't know what is going to happen and I have stopped trying to predict and control it. I have to accept that I may never see or hear from you again.

I don't know if you'll ever see this but I just want you to be happy and healthy and get to do what you love in life; work on cars and move back to California. 

I still miss you terribly and love you and you will always be my first love.

I can't imagine myself with anyone else. It's so hard to think of myself as "single" but I guess I am single... All I am doing is focusing on work, my new career, my future career plans and goals. 

I hope you can do the same.

I love you Boo

Seeing things a little more clearly

It has been 2 weeks since the fight, since the police and since I have last talked too you. Two long weeks, two weeks where so much has changed. I went from being obsessed with you, dependent on you, always with you to alone. I have talked about what happened, opened up to people, worked a new job, gotten an opportunity to interview for my dream job. I see now that things were so dysfunctional for so long. That you should have left me when I hurt you. You should have called the police because what I did to you wasn't fair. That I have come a long way from the girl who kicked you over and over in the head, That I abused you and hurt you, cheated on you and lied to you. That I have changed and grown up and that I am getting better but I justified everything you did because I hurt you so badly. I took responsibility and defended you and wanted to fix you. I couldn't do it. You needed to get help and fix you.  I am so sorry for all of the pain that I caused you. I see now that you should have walked away because I just begged and begged and begged for more chances, but you were forever changed inside. I hurt you so deep that you could never forgive me. Maybe you did not realize it or did not want to believe it. You have needed help for a very long time and I hope now you are getting it and accepting the help.  You deserve to live, you deserve someone who doesn't black out and hurt you. I damaged you when you were so damaged already. I have never loved someone before and I see now what I did to you was so wrong. I see how weak you were to not stand up for your self. I hate that. I hate that you didn't have the strength or self love to walk away and never look back. Our relationship was chaos and dysfunction and there was good but so much fighting and hurt and pain.. I love you so much and I hate you for what you did. I hate that you hurt me, that you left me with no choice but to call the police and walk away. I loved you so much and I wanted to marry you, I wanted you to get it together. I wanted you so badly I was blinded..You needed help and you kept doing things that were red flags and I ignored it and just loved you and let this happen. But I hate that you left me with no choice. I had to walk away, get an order of protection against you. I miss you so much and I hate that I can't be with you. Shauna told me you realize you can never be with him again because the next time he could kill you. But I hurt him and I still believe people can change. I believe he is good and can get help and change. I think we are toxic for each other and that I destroyed him and he was so damaged and hurt and he lost it and destroyed me.
Well I am not destroyed. I am a little bit broken but I know I will be alright. Two weeks and I already feel less desperate. I feel like I have the strength to stay away. I don't know if that will be forever but right now I finally have the strength to stop trying to contact him and focus on me.

I am going to be okay.
I am going to get this dream job.
I am going to change lives.
I am going to change my life.
I am going to be okay.
I will make it.
I will be okay and no matter what happens with him I will know it isn't on me.
You have to take responsibility for your actions.
I wish I had taken responsibility for mine.
I wish you would have called the police and gotten away from me.
Because now everything is a mess and your life is all chaos.
But it has been for so long.
But all of this happened so long ago.
You were never the same after that.
I destroyed you.
I am so sorry.
I am trying not to feel responsible because you should have walked away
but I begged and begged you to stay and you didnt press charges.
I hate myself for that.
I am so sorry.
I will always love you.
You changed me for the better
I never want to hurt another person again.
I am so sorry for everything.
I wish it didn't end like this.
I wish you weren't alone.
I wish you would accept help.
I have no control over you.
all I can control is myself
I have to be strong. I have to stop blaming myself. I have to learn from this and change and grow.
I have to make sure I never hurt someone like this again
I also have to make sure I never let someone hurt me like this again.

I miss you so much right now

I got all the court documents. I don't know how you are feeling/ where you are. I don't know if you know what's going on. I hate that I can't talk to you. I want to call you so badly. I want to hear your voice. I want to know how you are. Everyone is telling me this will all be over soon snd I'll be able to move on, but I wont, because you are the only person I love. I know who you really are and its not the person I saw last Monday night. It's been 10 days since I have seen you, heard from you. That is longest we have ever gone in 2 years.
I don't know how to get it together. I can't sleep without you. I can't fucking sleep. I look for you every night. I hate it so much. I wish all of this never happened. I just want to hold you and tell you I love you and forget the rest of the world for a minute. That's what is killing me. I can't get you out of my head the last time I saw you. But I dream about you every night. I think about you all the time. I worked both jobs today and it was such a long day and on the way home pulling into my neighborhood I burst into tears realizing the only person I want to talk to about my day isn't here. I just wish I could talk to you.

I can't sleep

Not the way I used too. Last night was the longest I slept through the night, 1 am to 5:30. I woke up having a dream about us. We were in a motel killing ourselves together. We were giving each other different pills. The room was a mess and I kept thinking I should be scared, I should want my stomach pumped. I don't know if I called 911 but I started thinking I have to trick him and get his stomach pumped and I kept hoping there was a way I could be unconscious while mine was being pumped. Then I woke up at 5:30. I've been trying to fall back asleep for 2 hours but I can't. I work both jobs today, I'm scared I'm going to be a mess.
I miss you so much. I miss talking you and cuddling with you. I hate this bed, I hate this room and I hate Night time without you. I wonder where you are, what you're doing, how you are feeling, how you feel about me. Legally I keep making your life worse. I don't want to make it worse. I just want too see you and hear your voice. I want you to know how often I think of you and how much I love you.
I don't know how too function right now. My body can't get it together. I'm exhausted and can never sleep more than a few hours. I take my klonopin and I have even added melatonin but nothing works. I don't feel safe, I feel so alone. I miss my other half so much. I miss you so much. It's not getting easier. I have so much anxiety about the court dates, seeing you, all the uncertainty. I fucking hate this. I hate this so much

I wonder how you are today

I drove in your neighborhood. It was instinctive. I just started driving and I was down the street 10 houses away from you. I saw the TT and the cougar in the driveway. I don't know if you were there. If you were I guess you were probably there sleeping, or maybe you were in a treatment center.
It's been exactly a week.
I'm struggling today.
I got a flu shot, finished work for all the credit cards, medical paperwork for my new job. I couldn't sleep last night. I was up until 5 am. I kept seeing you every time I closed my eyes. I kept reaching over and grabbing for you. I know in my gut you tried to call me from jail the first day you were there. I missed them. I don't know what you wanted to say. I have an order of protection until December 5th and I don't want it to continue. I want to see you so badly. I want to talk to you, I want to know how you are. I miss you so much. I wonder if anyone is reading this. People probably think what is wrong with you, he hurt you. He wasn't stable. He isn't always like that. I used to drink until I blacked out. Beat him, Verbally abuse him, cheater on him. His life has been insane. Every bad thing that could ever happen to a person happened to him, time and time again. He needs help, love, stability. I want to be the one still that helps him. I know I can't. I won.t try but I'll never stop thinking about it

I can't imagine a life without you. I don't want to imagine a life without you. I picture myself as tour wife, us having babies, supporting each others careers. I know I am not delusional, I know it can be a reality, I just wonder if you feel the same way.
December 5th. December 9th. I wonder if I get to see you. I wonder if I get to talk to you. I hope your dad isn't in crazy lawyer mode and keeps us so far apart that I don't get a chance to say I'm sorry and I love you.

Dear alec, I want you to know

That because of you I will never hurt someone again. That I am spilling our the truth and being honest like I was always meant to be. That every time I think of love I think of you. That you were my first love, the one that got away, the one I had to lose to learn. I am truly sorry that you had to be my lesson, it was never fair to you. I was never meant to be in a relationship I was too messed up and I took it all out on you. I hate how I hurt you but I am using that hate to fuel this desire to be better. I want to be the person you deserved. I will be honest and caring and hard working. I will set goals and stop making excuses and achieve them. You will be my incentive for wverything. I want you to know your love changed me forever. That no one will due. That you made me feel like I was a princess and beautiful, you made me see I was creative and really smart. You pushed me and never let me get away with bullshit. You changed me in the best ways. You have made me and better person and I need you to know I will love you forever for that. you were the only one who stood up for me and helped me stop drinking. You saved my life. It's so hard to believe how badly things ended when I think of all the good you did for me. I know I was good for you, but not all the time, and that I did too many bad things to ever make you see that I was good. You told me right from the start what you couldn't accept or handle and I did all of them. Two deserved better and I am so sorry for all the hurt, pain and sadness I caused you. I hope you are getting help. Because when you are stable you are a fucking rock star and I can't imagine a world without you could ever be a good place. Even if I never get the chance to talk to you I will write to you and hopefully someday track you down and send them to you. If I never get to be a part of your life again I hope I get a proper goodbye.
Love you always and forever
Your boo