I don't know how to handle everything.
I am an alcoholic.
I used to drink myself into oblivion. I did not like myself. I thought I was stupid and ugly and that I did not deserve good things. I was sad on the inside, I followed others, I never stood my ground or allowed myself to really think about what I wanted. My earliest memories I remember wanting to be a grown up, wanting to listen to what the adults had to say. When I was young I either wanted to hang out with all the older kids or I wanted to be the leader of the young ones.
I was always very independent and distant from my family.
I latched onto friends, always wanting to be with them, always wanting to be involved in the plans.
My heart would break if people hung out without me or didn't invite me.
The older I got the people around me started to drink and smoke weed and I was so eager to try them both.. I was nervous but I felt they were glamorous and I wanted that. I would watch movies and see it and wanted my life to be like that. It never was. Yes you can have funny stories, good memories, but honestly most of the stories over time become one good moment out of thousands of either mediocre ones or bad ones. I had many nights where everyone else was having fun and I just hated myself. I would walk away, I would feel ugly, I would be upset someone didn't want me, I would feel self conscious, I would be overwhelmed with negative feelings, and would keep drinking to make them go away, Or I would be having a good time and I didn't want it to end, so I would drink and rink and drink, only by then I was blacked out, passed out, miserable, out of my mind, that I didn't enjoy the rest of the night.
I have always had a warped view of myself, and especially of men. I didn't have brothers, as a young child all the boys in my neighborhood were younger than me, once I started really making friends, I was shy and guys didn't notice me. They always noticed/wanted my friends. Then a little older the guys I hung out with always said I was annoying. I was controlling. I was a bitch. I was the anti-Christ. I don't even understand what I was doing that made guys think I was annoying, I think I tried too hard, where the girls I was friends with were always so effortlessly cool. I was always envious of my friends and then once alcohol came into the picture, that's when guys were around, and I was so nervous I would just drink and drink and drink. I thought guys just wanted me for sex. I thought that's what it was about. I never had a boyfriend, never understood relationships. Didn't grasp any of that. I thought I was supposed to make out with guys adn it was cool and they liked me. Or I gave a guy a blow job and I thought he would like me but he really liked my friend and always liked my friend, just made me feel special until he got what he wanted. And i never understood what was happening. I just hated myself more and more.
I didn't feel like I had control in my life and I drank to control getting out of control.
Then everything went down hill once I hooked up with Brendan, then the weekend after went to a frat party to wake up having sex with a guy and then the next weekend I willingly let a guy have sex with me while I laid there. I was convinced this is what I was good for.
My friends all went away to school and when I would visit I would get black out drunk and hook up with someone. Not always sex. Not always too my knowledge. They were tired of me and didn't want me around at first, then they all started doing that shit too and stopped caring so much.
I was so depressed, having panic attacks, miserable. for my time living at home and going to COD i was so unbelievably unhappy. Then I visited Iowa, had sex with Nate, lost holly as a friend and decided in the fall to go to Iowa. I moved for all the wrong reasons. I didn't fix myself or change anything and when I finally realized I moved for a guy that never would want me I really hated myself.
I had sex with the wrong people for the wrong reasons.
Then I met Spencer and because he was older and smart and talented I clung onto the idea of him. I thought he was my boyfriend, he wasn't.
I was a liar.
I lied all the time.
It ended and I made out with his friend and came back home and did the same shit here.
I was going to aurora university and was still doing the same shit but now I was 21. And I quit my serving job because I wanted to be with my friends for Halloween. And I did the same shit. I was a fucking wreck all weekend. And still nothing changed.
I had become obsessed with chopping all my hair off and found this hair cut I loved and had Alex cut all my hair off. When I went out, I had this new crazy confidence I never had before. But I was still a fucking shit show mess when I went out. I wouldn't talk about it, I would never know what really happened. just buried it all down.
Then I went out with my friends after Thanksgiving break and I met Alec. My life changed forever.
I didn't change for a longgggggggggggg time. It took me acting insane and hurting him so many times, cheating on him, lying to him, betraying him to really get me to open my eyes to who I was.
By then he was destroyed. He was very damaged when he met me and he put all his hope on me. I crushed it countless times. After 2 years it ended in him on every drug possible fighting me and going to jail.
We didn't speak for 6 weeks.
I was a disaster. I let him become my world. I would drop everything and anything for him, I was always trying to fix and save him. I wanted to fix him.
He went to jail, detox and inpatient. He moved to Montana with his Uncle.
He goes to the gym, meetings, volunteers,
When we finally talked again it was like fireworks exploding.
He is the love of my life.
But he will be back in 2 weeks. And he is coming back because he has court. I don;t know what is going to happen. He doesn't know. But his life is on hold until it does happen.
He is depressed and living across the county, I can love him but I cannot fix this. I cannot do anything but keep bettering myself and working hard on myself and let him know I love him.
I was a codependent nightmare. I would call him and text him until he answered, go to his house to wake him up, worry about him constantly. Gave him money and let him use my credit cards. Looked the other way when he was clearly spiraling into drugs.
I don't know what is going to happen. I want to spend my life with him but right now whats best for my life is living in Illinois, working at CEAS and Mullen's, saving money, paying off the credit cards, paying student loans, going to the gym, hanging out with people, respecting myself, enjoying myself, staying sober.
He wants to get back to California. He will get back there. And I will be here. Our families have no idea we are together, if they did they would flip. No one knows we are together. Its our secret.
I know I need to stay at this job for at least 1 year. I need to have a year down before I can leave. I have to take the GRE, Look into Graduate Schools and programs.
I have to figure out what the next step in life is for me. I want there to be an US. I want US to make it. I have every intention of being with him for the rest of my life. I just don't know when "our life together" will start.
I know I have to continue taking care of myself and I have to stay strong.
It worries him that I do not go to AA, he thinks I should be back in therapy. I don't know exactly what my health insurance covers but I think that I should find someone again, see if I can see that Lady Shannon again.
But I also need to start lighting a fire under my own ass. I need to motivate myself and take care of myself and work hard for myself.
I am in such a better place. Really I am. I just know I can do better.
I feel like I have spoken about my drunken fiascoes and told Alec so many stories and gotten them off my chest, or written about them. I don't feel like that's my issue. I believe in myself being sober and happy. I like being sober. I finally find pride and not embarrassment in being sober. I used to be embarrassed of why I was sober, now I know I am sober because I have to be and I am okay with that. I like who I am sober. I like not wasting money, not forgetting myself, not feeling ashamed and so much negativity, not feeling physically ill and throwing up and being hung over and destroying my immune system and always being sick,
I like having more free time for myself.
I know I can do better and I will.
I always had the idea/ belief ( if I just do this everything will be better) I still catch myself sometimes thinking " if I go to the gym 4 times a week and eat clean Il be fit and healthy and happy and everything else will fall into place".
I have to work on everything.
