Struggling

Yes he did it. He did the actions, but I made sure it got this bad.
he kept his mouth shut and did everything he could to help me. I betrayed him.
The guilt is consuming me. I see the way I hurt him
The initial amazingness wore off.
The amazing orgasms wore off.
The reality is his life is forever changed and I could have made it not this bad.
And I dont know how to forgive myself for that.
And I didnt tell him.how bad it was.
He no longer trusts me, I feel it.
Long distance can't survive without trust

Long Distance

My life is complicated. I know what I want, but I cannot let anyone else know.
I don't know how to handle everything.

I am an alcoholic.
I used to drink myself into oblivion. I did not like myself. I thought I was stupid and ugly and that I did not deserve good things. I was sad on the inside, I followed others, I never stood my ground or allowed myself to really think about what I wanted. My earliest memories I remember wanting to be a grown up, wanting to listen to what the adults had to say. When I was young I either wanted to hang out with all the older kids or I wanted to be the leader of the young ones.
I was always very independent and distant from my family.
I latched onto friends, always wanting to be with them, always wanting to be involved in the plans.
My heart would break if people hung out without me or didn't invite me.
The older I got the people around me started to drink and smoke weed and I was so eager to try them both.. I was nervous but I felt they were glamorous and I wanted that. I would watch movies and see it and wanted my life to be like that. It never was. Yes you can have funny stories, good memories, but honestly most of the stories over time become one good moment out of thousands of either mediocre ones or bad ones. I had many nights where everyone else was having fun and I just hated myself. I would walk away, I would feel ugly, I would be upset someone didn't want me, I would feel self conscious, I would be overwhelmed with negative feelings, and would keep drinking to make them go away, Or I would be having a good time and I didn't want it to end, so I would drink and rink and drink, only by then I was blacked out, passed out, miserable, out of my mind, that I didn't enjoy the rest of the night.

I have always had a warped view of myself, and especially of men. I didn't have brothers, as a young child all the boys in my neighborhood were younger than me, once I started really making friends, I was shy and guys didn't notice me. They always noticed/wanted my friends. Then a little older the guys I hung out with always said I was annoying. I was controlling. I was a bitch. I was the anti-Christ. I don't even understand what I was doing that made guys think I was annoying, I think I tried too hard, where the girls I was friends with were always so effortlessly cool. I was always envious of my friends and then once alcohol came into the picture, that's when guys were around, and I was so nervous I would just drink and drink and drink. I thought guys just wanted me for sex. I thought that's what it was about. I never had a boyfriend, never understood relationships. Didn't grasp any of that. I thought I was supposed to make out with guys adn it was cool and they liked me. Or I gave a guy a blow job and I thought he would like me but he really liked my friend and always liked my friend, just made me feel special until he got what he wanted. And i never understood what was happening. I just hated myself more and more.
I didn't feel like I had control in my life and I drank to control getting out of control.
Then everything went down hill once I hooked up with Brendan, then the weekend after went to a frat party to wake up having sex with a guy and then the next weekend I willingly let a guy have sex with me while I laid there. I was convinced this is what I was good for.
My friends all went away to school and when I would visit I would get black out drunk and hook up with someone. Not always sex. Not always too my knowledge. They were tired of me and didn't want me around at first, then they all started doing that shit too and stopped caring so much.

I was so depressed, having panic attacks, miserable. for my time living at home and going to COD i was so unbelievably unhappy. Then I visited Iowa, had sex with Nate, lost holly as a friend and decided in the fall to go to Iowa. I moved for all the wrong reasons. I didn't fix myself or change anything and when I finally realized I moved for a guy that never would want me I really hated myself.
I had sex with the wrong people for the wrong reasons.
Then I met Spencer and because he was older and smart and talented I clung onto the idea of him. I thought he was my boyfriend, he wasn't.
I was a liar.
I lied all the time.
It ended and I made out with his friend and came back home and did the same shit here.
I was going to aurora university and was still doing the same shit but now I was 21. And I quit my serving job because I wanted to be with my friends for Halloween. And I did the same shit. I was a fucking wreck all weekend. And still nothing changed.

I had become obsessed with chopping all my hair off and found this hair cut I loved and had Alex cut all my hair off. When I went out, I had this new crazy confidence I never had before. But I was still a fucking shit show mess when I went out. I wouldn't talk about it, I would never know what really happened. just buried it all down.
Then I went out with my friends after Thanksgiving break and I met Alec. My life changed forever.
I didn't change for a longgggggggggggg time. It took me acting insane and hurting him so many times, cheating on him, lying to him, betraying him to really get me to open my eyes to who I was.
By then he was destroyed. He was very damaged when he met me and he put all his hope on me. I crushed it countless times. After 2 years it ended in him on every drug possible fighting me and going to jail.
We didn't speak for 6 weeks.
I was a disaster. I let him become my world. I would drop everything and anything for him, I was always trying to fix and save him. I wanted to fix him.
He went to jail, detox and inpatient. He moved to Montana with his Uncle.
He goes to the gym, meetings, volunteers,
When we finally talked again it was like fireworks exploding.
He is the love of my life.
But he will be back in 2 weeks. And he is coming back because he has court. I don;t know what is going to happen. He doesn't know. But his life is on hold until it does happen.
He is depressed and living across the county, I can love him but I cannot fix this. I cannot do anything but keep bettering myself and working hard on myself and let him know I love him.

I was a codependent nightmare. I would call him and text him until he answered, go to his house to wake him up, worry about him constantly. Gave him money and let him use my credit cards. Looked the other way when he was clearly spiraling into drugs.

I don't know what is going to happen. I want to spend my life with him but right now whats best for my life is living in Illinois, working at CEAS and Mullen's, saving money, paying off the credit cards, paying student loans, going to the gym, hanging out with people, respecting myself, enjoying myself, staying sober.
He wants to get back to California. He will get back there. And I will be here. Our families have no idea we are together, if they did they would flip. No one knows we are together. Its our secret.
I know I need to stay at this job for at least 1 year. I need to have a year down before I can leave. I have to take the GRE, Look into Graduate Schools and programs.
I have to figure out what the next step in life is for me. I want there to be an US. I want US to make it. I have every intention of being with him for the rest of my life. I just don't know when "our life together" will start.
I know I have to continue taking care of myself and I have to stay strong.
It worries him that I do not go to AA, he thinks I should be back in therapy. I don't know exactly what my health insurance covers but I think that I should find someone again, see if I can see that Lady Shannon again.
But I also need to start lighting a fire under my own ass. I need to motivate myself and take care of myself and work hard for myself.
I am in such a better place. Really I am. I just know I can do better.


I feel like I have spoken about my drunken fiascoes and told Alec so many stories and gotten them off my chest, or written about them. I don't feel like that's my issue. I believe in myself being sober and happy. I like being sober. I finally find pride and not embarrassment in being sober. I used to be embarrassed of why I was sober, now I know I am sober because I have to be and I am okay with that. I like who I am sober. I like not wasting money, not forgetting myself, not feeling ashamed and so much negativity, not feeling physically ill and throwing up and being hung over and destroying my immune system and always being sick,
I like having more free time for myself.
I know I can do better and I will.
I always had the idea/ belief ( if I just do this everything will be better) I still catch myself sometimes thinking " if I go to the gym 4 times a week and eat clean Il be fit and healthy and happy and everything else will fall into place".
I have to work on everything.

The Morning of New years eve

I have yet to go to sleep, but it is technically new years eve. I can think back over the years to the disastrous nights I had, or the nights I am unclear of, or the year I was ill and followed Alec around while he sold pills and I didn't know.
It's so crazy how much I didn't know. How bad his drug problem was. He was using a lot and was so out of control and I saw things were bad, but I didn't see just how bad they were.
That scares me that when it comes to him I won't see things for what they really are.
I know I love him, I know he is sober now and I know he is my best friend. He sees me for who I am and accepts it and loves every part of me.
And I see him, and I understand him and I accept him and love and cherish him.
But something bad did happen and because of it no one can know we are together.
It's hard to keep this secret.
I know my family knows I am talking to a "guy" and I have to hope they don't think it is Alec.

I know what people will say and what they will think and that doesn't bother me.
I have this fear that maybe I let my heart jump in before my mind, that I shouldn't spend so much time talking to him and planning to see him when he is back. Because I have to be my main priority and sadly I am still not at my best.
I am not at my best at all.
I am tired.
I sleep to little or too much.
I don't eat enough.
I still have a sore throat and cough, it wont go away its been over a month.
I don't feel like I am giving my new job 100%. It isn't exactly what I expected and I feel like the kids see right through me. I know I need to give myself a break.
I just want to get back on track. I want to be able to wake up and stick to a schedule.
But I know how I feel when I think of you, my heart is warm and my mind is happy.
I am consumed with loving you, I was so unhealthy about it before and I have this tiny fear, deep down inside me that I won't be able to control it. that I won't be able to put myself first, that I'll yearn for you and when I finally get to see you I will be devastated when you have to go again.
I feel weak and pathetic.
The facts are we had a crazy emotional roller coaster relationship. We will have been apart for 12 weeks when we finally get to see each other again.
You spend your days volunteering at a food bank, working out at the gym, working for your uncle, going to AA meetings. I spend my days going to work and watching tv and reading and talking to you. I have only gone to the gym 3 times in 3 weeks, I wanted to go 4 times a week.
I feel myself distancing myself from my family because I am afraid they will figure out its you I am talking too.
Legally we cannot talk or see each other and if they found out and said something to someone you could be in serious trouble for it and I do not want that.
I have anxiety.
I need to breathe. I need to limit my time on the phone with you at my house because I cant risk them finding out.
I love you and I know I want to be with you. I am just scared that I am not progressing enough right now, I am not getting myself healthy like I should be in this time we have to be apart.
I don't want to be unhealthy anymore. I don't want to repeat my past mistakes.
I know you make me happy and that loving you make me want to be a better person.
I just fear I am not that "better person" yet like you think I am.
I spent a lot of time wallowing in self pity and ignoring how I felt and working. Then just crying all night.
Now I have this residue of emotions left inside of me, still leaking out anxiety and sadness and I can't control it.
I don't want to be sad. I understand logically We are separated by 1500 miles. That we will get to see each other in 5 weeks in between when I work.
I promise myself no matter what I will not screw up this job. This is the step into a career, a lifetime of helping children and doing work that matters. Shaping lives of autistic children.
I need to no matter what eat breakfast in the morning with my protein shake. The protein shake alone is not enough.
I need to pack a lunch everyday because I do not want to buy food everyday and I need to have food on me so I keep energized.
I need to make time to go to the gym 4 times a week. I need it to keep my body healthy and strong, to relieve stress, to do something to better myself mentally, emotionally and physically.
I need to get 8 hours of sleep a night. I need to get on a routine, going to sleep by 12 o'clock, getting adequate rest.

I am Sober. I see that I was extremely codependent with you and that I do not ever want to be that way again. I am getting better and stronger, I need to keep heading in this direction,
I need to be healthy.

A weight has been lifted from my chest. The pit in my stomach is gone. Knowing someone loves you and cares about you changes everything.
I am nervous still because I realize everything is so different and everything will be like this for a while.
But I am okay. I am okay. I feel good. I feel like I can stop worrying about this and obsessing about this because I couldn't stop. I could not stop. And now it's okay. Now I know the answer. Now I know that everything will be okay, that no matter what happens next the ending is happy. The ending was changed. Things are going to be different and are different for the better.
Living a healthy life is the only choice I have. I want to be the best version of myself and I have changed so much already. Distance to make me see and understand the things I didn't want to before. Letting someone go doesn't mean you lose them forever. Holding onto something dysfunctional is not okay. You have to let go and focus on you, once you have you down the rest will fall into place.

My heart is filled with love. I have someone who loves me equally back, Equal love and acceptance and understanding. The timing isn't right, and it will not be for a very very long time, but it's worth the wait no matter what happens. No matter what.
Everything is going to be okay,
You do not have to talk to someone 24/7 and see them in all your free time and know everything they are doing all the time. It isn't sane, normal or healthy. You have to just live your life and let the pieces fall where they may.
I know I am going to be okay. I know you are going to be okay.
My heart changed when I met you, it changed it a way that I have no control over.
No matter what happens it loves you so deeply and so passionately.
I cannot let another into my heart the way you have entered mine, There just is not enough room for someone else in that way. I don't see others that way. I don't know how too.
Could I try and force myself? Yes I probably could, but it wouldn't be natural or real and I would just end up hating myself and for the first time I do not hate myself and I want to keep heading in this direction of self love.

I'm listening to Boyce Aveunes cover of Roar with Bea Miller.
I always think of you.
I am so proud of you
I love you.
and I love me too.

Feeling better

It's been 6 weeks. I have been single for 6 weeks. I haven't heard from you, seen you and it's so strange. My life keeps moving forward. I have been training at my new job for three days and I am really eager to get started on my own. I know it is going to be really good for me, it already is.
I feel like I am going to be okay.
The longer I am away from you the more I am seeing things needed to change and I don't see how else they could of.

I still miss you. I still wish and hope that I will get a chance to talk to you.
The more time that passes the less hope I have that it will happen.
I don't know if you will talk to me.
And I accept that I do not have control over anything except myself.

All I can do is write what I think and feel and find a way to get it to you. Whether you read it or respond is entirely up to you. I know that. It is hard but you deserve the right to your own opinions and feelings and if you wish to never speak to me again I will respect that.

Alec,

I don't know if you are going to read this letter or not, I am hoping you will though. I have a few things I need to say and what you decide to do after you read this is up to you.

I want you to know I am sorry things ended so badly. I never wanted this and I wish it could be different. I have spent the past two years of my life with you and I am so grateful I had that. You changed my life. Who I was two years ago and who I am now is very different and your love helped change so much of that.  Because of your belief in my intelligence I stopped thinking I was stupid, started to have some confidence in the knowledge I have and what I am capable of. You never let me think I was stupid, you constantly praised me and made me see my potential and what I could be if I really applied myself. Because of your love I look at myself differently. I see a beautiful girl when I look into the mirror because of you. I was an insecure and self conscious person before I met you, but everyday you sent love my way. You made me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world. You made me feel like no one compared to me, The way you looked at me melted my heart. I felt the most comfortable with you laying in bed with no make up on and naked, when you could see all my flaws, and you just loved me more. You gave me confidence to be a better person, you challenged me in ways no one else ever has. You didn't accept me half assing life, you made me see what can happen when you put 100% into what you do, you made me see how much peace and joy honesty can bring to your life.
You made me see how sobriety could save my life. You stood by me when no one else did.

I don't know what is going to happen, but I don't want that night to be how our story ends. 

I would like you to still be apart of my life, I would like to figure out a way to make that work.

I have not spoken to you in 3 months, I have not heard from you and I do not know what you are thinking/feeling/ how you are doing. 

I think about you everyday, I send you my love. I miss you everyday. I miss my best friend, I miss my confidant, I miss my lover, I miss you so much.
I hope that when you think of us you can see that even though we had problems there was so much good. There was love, laughter, passion, beautiful memories that we got to experience together.

You are truly the most beautiful person I have ever known.  I see you, I see how driven and brilliant you are and I know what you are capable of, I believe in you 100% and I hope you finally believe in yourself because you are too amazing not too. 
You came into my life and awoke something inside of me I didn't know existed. You lit a fire inside me filling me with passion to change my life and be a better person.
You opened my eyes to the world. I need you to know that. I need you to know you are good, you are one of the smartest, most creative and loving people ever. Simple things like listening to you speak, working on cars with you, learning from you or just experiencing the world with you are memories I will hold in my heart and cherish forever..I need you to know that you are so strong, that isn't my opinion it is a fact..You have faced so many unfair and horrifying obstacles in your life and you always find a way to come out on top and survive. I don't want you to just survive anymore, I want you to live the best life possible.

I don't know if that life can involve me, I would like to think it can. I don't know if it is possible but I would like to try. I believe that if two people really want something they can make it happen. That if people take the time to better themselves that they can change, that something dysfunctional can be turned around and made into something safe, strong and beautiful.But both have to want it.

 I have no idea what you are thinking and what you feel, although I am hoping for a chance to be in each others lives again, I understand you may not feel the same way.

If I cannot be apart of your life, if you do not wish to talk to me anymore I would like to ask you please to meet with me one last time.
I would like a chance to end things on a better note, to have closure, to give you back the things you left at my house. A chance to really say goodbye if this has to be the end. End our two year relationship with kindness and love, and let each other go so we can move on.
All I can do is ask for that chance, but if you do not want that I will respect whatever you decide.

My phone number, email and Facebook have not changed.
You know how I feel and what I would like, what happens next is entirely up to you.

I love you, always and forever,
your boo.

Who Am I?

Before you I was insecure. I never opened up about anything. I lived my whole life screaming on the inside and never uttered a single word. I would go to a therapist and not tell them what was wrong and leave angry that they didn't fix me. I would drink until I forgot my name, forgot what was happening, who I was. I would drink to forget myself and my pain. I pretended I didn't care when everything hurt. I used sex as a way of control. I could get anyone I wanted to have sex with me and it would mean nothing to me and then I would win. That is what I convinced myself. When really it made everything hurt worse. There were many times I wanted to die, wished for a horrible family so I could kill myself. Wished I didn't have anyone who cared about me so I could just leave this earth once and for all. And because I had people who loved me and cared I hated them for it. I was so mean, so horrible to them. I couldn't leave because they loved me. I was stuck in pain because of them.
My view of myself, of my life, of the world was so disturbed and warped. I hated reality so I retreated into my head. I could create any life I wanted for myself in my head. I could be happy, I could be successful, I could be strong and be in love or speak up for myself. Then I could just convince myself it was real or spend so much time fantasizing that reality no longer made me feel bad.
I could disassociate from reality and looking back now its very scary.
I think because I was so easily able to do that, when I drank and blacked out, my brain switched into the fantasy world and now I was able to live the fantasies. I could be the brave outspoken girl. I could do whatever the fuck I wanted.
I see it so clearly now. I see myself, I see how I used to act, how I used to escape and cope and I see how much I have changed.
Don't get me wrong, All of this break up and court drama has caused so much pain that I have found myself fantasizing about what will happen when I see him again, what I will say, what he will say back, Only now I see it. I hear myself and I say NO. This isnt real. This isn't healthy. You cannot control what will happen in 2 months, thinking about it, fantasizing, will do NOTHING BUT DRIVE YOU CRAZY.
I have to just keep breathing.. Keep living. Keep working hard.. Keep trying.. Putting in 100% effort into my life, my self. Self improvement, doing what I want and need, Doing what is best for me.
I know I have to and I feel like for how everything went down I am doing a good job. Yes there are things I need to improve on, but now that I have focused on work, getting a new job, am finally starting it, got a gym membership, got a new bed, got all of your stuff out of my room, have a timeline of when I will have to go to court. Now that I have all of these things done I feel like I can really start living. I needed a month to recover, regroup, open up a bit, line things up and now that I have I am ready.
I feel stronger and more confident.

After you..
Two years we were together, and the person I was in the beginning was that horrible scared insecure girl who hid behind lies and buried everything away.
But now... Now I embrace the truth. I am PROUD of myself. I am sober, I am thriving, I am moving forward, making good choices. I am working hard. I am doing right by me. I am doing what I need to do for me.
You can't fix everything at once. you can't fix things so easily. I always looked for the easy way, the quick fix and now I don't. I embrace the challenges.
I thought I had everything all planned, but I had no idea what I was doing.
I spent so much time trying to fix you, protect you, take responsibility for your actions. I lost myself.
But I am here. I am here now for the first time in my life. I feel confident in ability to be successful, in my intelligence, in my beauty.
Your love taught me to accept and love myself. Being with you changed me so much. But also losing you changed me so much. Losing the support, the best friend, the lover, the life partner was horrible. But here I am. I am stronger. I am thriving. I am opening up and being honest to people I never was before. I got a new career, I have worked my ass off and have been smart with money trying to pay my credit cards, loans.
I am taking care of me, I know that I am not that same girl who drank her problems away and needed attention from guys to feel good about herself
two guys last week asked for my phone number. I did not like it. It bothered me. One was being very aggressive about it. I was just your server being polite, treating you like every other customer- with respect. I do not appreciate being hit on. I used too. it used to validate my beauty, my being when guys wanted and acknowledged me.
Now I know I am smart and strong and beautiful and that I don't need a guys attention to tell me that. It wasn't your attention that made me see this in me, it was your respect, kindness, love, compassion for me. Your ability to fight for me and want the best for me.
Being in love, being in a relationship with you for 2 years and now being alone, I know I am a good person, a strong person, a kind person, a beautiful person, an intelligent person.

I know I am going to be okay,
I do not know what is going to happen, but I know I'll end up being okay no matter what does.

Grief

I found out today you are in an inpatient treatment center in Montana. I am really happy you are really getting help. I am scared the reason you chose to get treatment so far away is because you want to be far away from me, because you want nothing to do with me ever again. The  idea that this is how it ends, that we have to be done is killing me. And the thought that when I go to court on February 6th and that you want nothing to do with me will shatter me. If we can never be together again I just pray we can have a conversation of closure. That we love each other but we cannot be with each other because we are not good for each other. That we love each other too much to hurt each other. I pray and pray and hope this is outcome. Because I do not know how to handle you hating me forever..

Reading about break ups I am reading about embracing feelings.
-I am devastated that I lost my best friend. Alec was my confidant, my person. Every night I came home into his arms. It's been one month without his embrace, without my best friend. I miss going out to dinner, Watching Netflix. Learning about cars. Working on cars. I miss being able to talk and cry and laugh with him.
- I miss the sex. Sex was something meaningless and basically horrible for me. Meeting Alec changed everything for me. For the first time in my life I had a connection. For the first time in my life I felt love physically. I felt beautiful and amazing. I felt like a queen. Alec made me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world and that I was was the only one who would ever be beautiful to him. And honestly no one compares to him. I don't think I will ever be able to connect with another person on that level. As corny as it is he would make me feel so good I would become overwhelmed and just cry and on and continuously say I am sorry and he would laugh and tell me not to be sorry.
- I don't want to move on. I know everyone is telling me I have too. I know that things were so dysfunctional and it ended in violence and we had had violence in the past, But I do not want this to be the end. I don't know how to believe this is the end.
- I am crushed that San Francisco for us is dead. We had a plan. To sell your car, get rid of mine and move to San Francisco. That dream is dead for us.
- I am happy I got this job, a new bed, a new gym membership. I am opening up to people and making plans. I am going through the motions to heal and get better, but my heart is so madly in love with you still. My heart hurts for you and misses you everyday. I don't know how to stop my heart from hurting so much. I don't know how to stop missing you.

I am so scared of a life without you. I know its been a month without you and I am doing abnormally well, but this is not the life I wanted or planned. I know we do not always get what we want and that I need time and patience and a new routine. I need to keep moving forward and I need to stop thinking about wanting you back and still loving you and missing you and I have to focus on me and my health and my job and being alone and moving forward. I have to focus on moving forward because people do not get back together after this. People do not remain friends. People do not stay together.

I want to be that one in a million so bad, I want to make it out the other side stronger and healthier and happier and able to be with you and move forward.
I know you know about the deal. I know you know I did not continue an order of protection against you. That I chose to have contact still ( no offense contact). That I do not want this to be the end.

Maybe I am pathetic and naive and since you are my first love I am holding on.
But I am not your first love. You loved many times before me and it kills me thinking you;ll get over me and move on.

I want to be able to move forward with you if that is possible. I don't know if it is.

Its only been one month. Its only been 4 weeks and 29 days.

I need to be strong. I need to accept I can only control myself and what I do. I go to work.
I need to start eating better, more and healthier. I need to get myself in a good and strong place. You have 2 months to continue working, growing, changing, accepting. You have all the tools you need. You have Terri, your family, a few friends, a new gym membership, a new rewarding career.
YOU CAN DO THIS ERIN.

You had Alec for 2 years and they changed your life forever.
If this is the end you have to accept it.